Not Love but the Other "L" Word

Moving to Incline Village, a new area with no friends, no family and starting over again has brought some new feelings I first experienced while living at the Warming Hut. I look at the road I took on transitioning my life - becoming an independent/follow your dreams and passions type of gal - then picking up, leaving Portland and exploring new ventures, I sit here in the middle of nowhere High Sierra now Lake Tahoe watching one of the most gorgeous sunsets anyone could ever experience and all I can think about is not having anyone to share it with. "No one" means not only romantically but I had some family and friends tell me they would come visit and never came. Besides my buddy Nick and 2 people I met in Sonora, nobody came to visit, nobody was able to experience this with me and it left me feeling for the first time in a long time, if ever...lonely. Why recently have I had this desire to share everything I have experienced? Why do I feel so alone? I never considered myself to be this “L” word, why now?

It's funny how it turned out while that charming Hut in the woods; I asked myself for the first time, "What is wrong with me? I am 28 years old I finally get that cabin in the woods and why am I sad?" This was the first time outside of the comforts of Portland that I got to settle down where it left me with a lot of time on my hands to think. While loving each sunrise, sunset the enjoyment of being able to cook on my deck topless and crack a beer with the coyote, I was sad. It brought me to a place that made me think of dark times in earlier years, it made me think that I wouldn’t ever find anyone capable of keeping up with me. It made me reflect a lot of my lifetime and the decisions and choices I made. In the beginning I couldn't sleep at all. Not only from the mice running around but dark thoughts of all my heartbreaks and no wonder why they left me. I never had such silence and nothing to do but sit around in the beautiful wilderness while depressing thoughts of my past relationships and loneliness, I had a break down:

Here I am at the age of 28, 12 years later from my first heartbreak, I continue to ask myself, how many times can my heart get broken? How many men have I wasted my time and energy on? Time and time again I get pushed away, shut out and flaked out on. Hurt and broken, I end up sitting on my floor swallowing my pride and picking up the pieces. Too many times I have fallen asleep with swollen eyes, a sore nose and mascara in my ears then smeared among pillowcases. As I wipe my face with my disc golf tournament towel and finish off my Pendleton whiskey, I can’t help but laugh at myself of my situation: here I am, again, it ends the same as always - I go home, alone and was the only girl without a caddy. I sit in a pile to reminisce of a backpacking trip: wool hat, backpack, smelly socks, headlamp, trekking poles, maps full of marked routes, camera with a memory card packed full of pictures of remote places and a badass hike I just accomplished, boots with 100’s of miles on them and I am sad I have no one to share it with. I look up in the mirror and realize I look like a wreck; messy hair, swollen eyes, horrendous room and no one’s shoulder to rest my head on, however this scene is all too familiar with me. How many, “you’re awesome’s” and “you’re quite the catch” do I need to actually have a man come into my life and recognize and realize it? I see the type they end up going for and lose their hair over her because she’s fucking nuts. Why can’t anyone realize this yet?

I can only recall being in the pits of this concept of loneliness 3 times in my life: 

(a.) 16 years old with my first heartbreak, I laid in bed for days I felt like my heart was literally ripped out and I found it very hard to breathe, kudos to my parents for their first major support system and while one subject I have some brief words for my father about that: You may not have always had the words to say to your broken hearted daughter, but your actions, presence and flaccid expressions were overwhelming me with love and comfort.

(b.) At 23 with my 2^nd bf after deciding he wanted to get married and I did not – I had to walk away. 

(c.) at 26 realizing there was no more “Santa” aka God. 

I somehow snap out of this and realize crying over this loneliness and heartache is interesting for 3 reasons: 

(1) It's not the manless life, but I realize in the transition I am no longer able to rely on a "spiritual boyfriend" or that "relationship with God." I always had back-up with my Christian friends there to hang out and support me and encourage me in times of man guilt. I always had someone tell me God is there to comfort me, it was God that I wasn't focusing on to be my "boyfriend." Once I turned my back on God that's the most when you experience heart break. Now as an Atheist, I think it was a mere distraction from keeping me away from my own abilities to pull myself out of it and think critically. I was in a vulnerable state and because someone presented me with a unicorn to wipe up my tears for a short time, how could I say no? Now I believe I am the only person that can pull myself out of my misery. With my thoughts I believe I can change my situation, it is my own world view that causes pain, hurt, pleasure, happiness, joy. My mind is so powerful in ways unimaginable and its so sad I never used parts of my brain growing up. I think my grades would have been a whole lot better in grade school!

(2) When I was a Christian I lived in communities where making friends was easy, there were plenty of people my age and if not I could join any Christian church and find a family. Each time I moved I was able to look up a Christian church in the phone book. Ah yes, phone book, to find the one that was "right for me." While I pat myself on the back for church shopping and finding great church families throughout my years and travels, the one thing I do not have has been starring at me in the face since leaving Portland is I am no longer a member of the church community. While people I met in church are genuine, forgiving and understanding by keeping me in their lives, the opportunity for me to grow that "family" has ended. 

  

The one thing the Church has over Atheism is that obligated sense of community, it's definitely interesting not having that service available anymore.  I remember the days when I could move to anywhere and find a church with people willing to help me out with moving, cleaning, making a homemade meal, I could find someone to hike and talk with about life and on a spiritual level or even an older mentor to help me walk through my troubles. If I ever found myself needing assistance, if my car broke down, if I had nothing to eat, nowhere to stay, recommendations for the town, etc. the church was on it. It was an eye opener for me to realize the church has so much money, brain washing and guilt on people to form these communities and into a lifetime payment plan of their 10%. At this breakdown point, I realized I am forced to do things on my own and it was so empowering that it is up to me to pick myself back up and do something about the absence of spiritual community by forming more genuine connections. I'm loving getting out and meeting people online or just talking to people. I have become less judgmental in that I love humanity. People are so interesting, why did I only feel like I needed to stick to one type and out of that scary "real world." Oh that's right, be in the world but not part of it, did I say that right? I was supposed to judge people's interactions and lifestyles and either shine that light on their sins or hang with people of my Christian status to hold me accountable. 

Snapping out of depression while laughing about my transition reason (3) While unpacking I found my bible. It dropped the page it opened up to winkled pages due to water damage. Upon further investigation it was also covered in mascara tears smeared over Proverbs 5. It broke my heart as I pictured myself back kneeling over my bible agonizing with guilt about being an adulteress more so than my breakdown I was having or any break up has ever hurt me. I truly feel it took a lot to get myself out of that abusive relationship with God and I should be proud of my accomplishments. Looking at those dried up pages with the marks of torture made me realize is that crying over my sheer loneliness without a man is a lot better than the guilt, pain and suffering I lived with as a Christian. It made me glad that I no longer have to recite for time that God is great, “Lean not on your own understanding and God has a plan …” It was all bullshit. Matthew 18:3 And he said: "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Makes me sick. Makes me even more sick of the way the church taught me to suppress my sexuality, my thoughts, feelings that were all completely normal yet I was made in the image of God. This has fucked with my approach to dating and my body to where I am left to figure out where to go from here and how to handle these types of emotions without "praying" them away to a horrendous God. 

Despite this newfound loneliness, silence and desire to be wanted, I feel I am living the best way I know how, without God watching me masturbate. Living in that cabin in the middle of nowhere woodlands I dreamed of as a kid thinking I would be writing, reading and reflecting. This silence I was temporarily forced to live under left me with nothing to do, no where to be but sit on a deck and look at the open sky and mountains surrounding me. The stillness was a way for me to change my view on my situation, predestined thoughts and configure my disappointment to be optimistic about this time also to be silent and thankful for my new life, thought, freedom and independence. It forced to think of how to become a better person, how to appreciate those still in my life a lot more. I have made a lot of close friends and have lost a lot of close friends; it has been interesting to reflect on those that are still remaining in my life. I have genuine people in my life not because of superstition or obligation but because these are real connections. How I choose the people in my life has been significant psychologically and scientifically. Being an Atheist, I have made positive changes in my life to realize I am who I am because of careful thought and reason, I have created my own path to make my life worth living without religious dogma.

Leaving the church has sure sucked at times, not being able to rely on a group of people obligated to assist, but rather I feel more comfortable in relying on humanity. I ultimately think people are good, no matter if they are Christian or not and for once it's nice to put that aside and be human. I think while I will say when I was a believer it was hard for me to not judge others, I feel this was something I didn't mean to do but I would later realize that I would feel sorry for people and send a little prayer out for them, hoping someone else (Jesus) would help. Now it's great to be in the driver seat making a difference, making things happen and literally getting down on my hands and knees to help others. It's nice to realize for me that morals do not come from religion but are innate. We all want peace and happiness but do little to attain them. The first step is recognition and we do little to realize the change must be in ourselves to change our situation.

Living a free from religion life has been surprisingly lonely at times, especially while dating and figuring out the transition, it's a whole new self-discovery. One thing I love is realizing to think more reasonably about men, I can now experience heartbreak on a more rational level rather than searching for God's plan or asking what I have done wrong or doing something wrong but pray about it rather than own up and taking responsibility. This has transitioned my dating theories on realizing certain relationships do not work out due to our own expectations, past and how we move forward, also our chemistry, hormones, personal experiences, and personal responsibility and where we are psychologically. It has shifted my way of thinking to look inward on focusing deep within my psyche on how I can improve, why I react to certain people the way I do and what I can learn about myself, rather than outward towards the heavens, the sky, the predestined knight to be only more lonely, hurt and disappointed. Overall remaining centered, not holding others responsible for the way you feel. It's no one else's job to help you be ok with yourself. As this new mentioned self-discovery, it's nice to be more aware of to see that other's that are not ok with themselves. Who wants to be with a hot mess anyway? 

While living at the Hut, the silence was the time for me to find who I am and work towards my passions. It made me think of my main man John's words:

"Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul."

"Keep close to Nature's heart...and break clear away, once in a while, and climb a mountain or spend a week in the woods. Wash your spirit clean."

Muir's quotes are ones that made me realize this time of loneliness is nature's way of calling me to reflect, breathe, "pray" as in meditate and ponder the moments life has given me. Each time I meet some guy and it doesn't work out, it's nothing to be upset about, people have their lives to life and passions to follow. It doesn't make sense to dwell on it, what does make sense is continuing on your own path, pursuing my passions, discovering what drives my heart and a life worth living. This was a time for me to break from community and family to rejuvenate myself to be the best person I can be when they do come around. Next time I won't have to be such a bitch while handling the "L" word.