50 Shades of Godly Submission

Again, I go back to my childhood – cause it’s the only thing I know! Funny how much of my life has been in a small box, I was completely sheltered, and again I will say again how thankful I am for it. I used to think I was pretty liberal in my Christian thoughts and believed Jesus was just a big hippie…well I still think that to this day.

Coming from that religious background I was raised with traditional beliefs of a “man’s role” and a “woman’s role” – Whenever I found that Boaz, I was to submit myself to my husband and be that Proverbs 31 woman to rope him in then follow along with that Ephesians 5:22-24 "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands." 1 Timothy 2:11-12 "Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet." I can go on and on 1 Peter 3:1-7, Titus 2:9, Genesis 3:16, 1 Corinthians. 14:34-35 "Women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says. If there is anything they desire to learn let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church." And so forth, my point is not to give you a bible lesson but for you to understand the lessons handed down to me. 

For such the little firecracker I was, there was no way this was happening. I had such a hard time grasping onto this idea and eventually gave up on the idea of marriage around the age of 12. I threw it out the window and didn’t think it was a functional way to live. Divorce rates were skyrocketing and from my only worldview of my parents, they were fine – actually pretty affectionate to each other and loving, but I just could never see myself in my mother’s role as a wife and a mom to a rotten kid like me.

While struggling with it as a child then carrying it over through college, we had bible studies about this topic that usually tied in with the concept of abstinence and wait to have sex with your husband. Thinking this would never work out for me because I was not ever going to get married yet was blessed with this annoyingly high sex drive, it made things a little more interesting. I had a boyfriend at the time and we constantly (obviously) struggled with remaining “pure.” By the time we broke it off after 3 years I decided to take some marriage counseling classes hosted by my church; I joined a small group for married women between the ages of 30 – 60 while I was 23 and single. I got some funny looks in the beginning but by the introduction and mist of it all, my 3-year relationship and its “issues” were not so far off by the marriages that have been struggling for 15+ years. The women felt the same way I did and we made the same mistakes. We went through a serious called “For Women Only” by this Christian woman named Shaunti Feldhahn.

Shanti had conducted a research of men and what they wish they could tell their wives but are too afraid to - things that women needed to hear but in a gentle non-offensive way. Things like: men would prefer your respect over your love. Understanding the male nature and that is different from women – they want to be understood that they are competitive and want that woman to stand by their sides to be that damsel in distress but not a drama queen. To understand he feels like he may have the world on his shoulders as the provider and to respect that and the hours he may work it is important to come home to a calm environment so be that 50's woman, put on that dress and be quiet oh and have dinner ready. Also they felt they do not get enough sex and how to respond to it – basically get on your knees and blow bitches. To understand sex is everywhere and they are wired to look and to not take it the wrong way – this is where I needed to become stable and know who I am and be comfortable with it and know I was loved, be ok with everyone looks at porn. The last was that when a man says he loves you he means it and to not pity or fish for compliments, men like to romance but most women don’t give them the chance to, basically have confidence and self esteem and learn to be self aware. She had bible verses to back all this up. I still have the workbooks and what not if you are interested but I have definitely carried those over while dating as an Atheist with minor adjustments.

During this class I reflected over my passed relationships and realized I was controlling and over bearing, which I liked to interpret as this was “the curse” coming down on me as a woman from Eve’s taking of the forbidden fruit. I often thought this was the reason why women are so nuts – I made it make sense it was all because of the damn curve from the Garden of Eden.

From my “failed” 3 year relationship I knew I needed to do something about my dating habits and understand what men struggle with and always be aware of that. I needed to be emotionally grounded and train myself to be open and communicate at all times. This marriage class has really stuck with me, it was the turning point in my life that I realized in order for a marriage to be successful, it was me that needed to change and the missing piece was my unwillingness to become submissive. After intense reading, praying and meditating … of course! It all makes sense now! I DO in fact need to be the one to play into the “woman’s role” that God has called me to, so I accepted. I accepted that one day I would be a wife and a mother and do it God’s way. 

After drinking the Kool-aid then dating more men that were not Christian made me even crazier with guilt and pain, I got to experience difficult heartbreak while trying to live the Godly role of what it means to be a woman. What was also hard was having my parents see me struggling with all different types of relationships, however, brief words for my father: You may not have always had the words to say to your broken hearted daughter, but your actions, presence and flaccid expressions were overwhelming me with love and comfort.

I eventually stopped informing my parents on my dating life as I love love and fall in and out of it quickly. I decided to become this adult now 25 years old, freshly out of a 2.5 year relationship. This one was recovering after moving in, living together and experiencing a pregnancy. This was also a time to think about my religion, as this was the main key driver to breaking us up. It was also a time to exercise logic, which I used in my decision making for my child. I knew I wanted to eventually be a mother some day but I am obviously not ready to raise a child in a stable home nor would I want some other crazy person having to indoctrinate my child, also knowing this man was not the “one” for me I did not want to have life long ties with this person. I have absolutely no regrets and believe this as one of my first logical, most reasonable and valuable lesson outside of my religion to terminate it. The process was not hard at all, the hardest was reflecting on my life, my dating decisions and my words; I always said I believed this Christian way and did all the right motions but deep down I was not living the way I preached. It was so much pressure and so much guilt I am not sure why I lived with way for so long.

I eventually came out of religion formed new ideas and ta-da I’m an Atheist. I feel I can think a lot clearer and I’ve worked hard throughout each relationship to discover new things about myself and develop a solid foundation on who I am and how I can be more emotionally stable, self-aware and form self respect and learn to love my body and not be ashamed. Since dating as an Atheist, my view has changed again: It has made me drop the “victim” role, take responsibility and own up to who I am. It has made me think things happen not for a reason but because I thought through them while using reasoning. This has changed my arguments, cooperation, and views on jealousy, monogamy and learns to deal with heartache. What has been the most interesting transition is figuring the hell out of this so called “woman’s role” and “man’s role.” I got myself to drink the Kool-Aid now how do I spit it back out? How do I transform my once belief system to unchaining myself to being free and myself again?

Every time I meet a guy I think they HAVE to be chivalrous, they have to be the provider, the one to make the moves. What am I really doing? Am I playing a game? My eyes were first opened when I met this guy, Justin, after I became an Atheist. I was brand new and he was not shy about asking me to pay half of our dinner bill. I was shocked yet delighted. This was the first relationship I entered where I was an equal. He only opened doors if it was practical, we split everything, we had combined efforts to both bringing our 100%. While we were not the best fit as he and his current girlfriend are, I am so happy to have this experience and I still get to keep him in my life as a dear friend. It was the most equal decision when we were not feeling it, he met someone else, we like disc golf, ok, let’s move on now. I think before as a Christian I would have tried to find some sign, some superstitious aura in the mix and read into it as a crazy woman. Since then meeting and dating others have also given me some enlightenment.  After religion, the only thing I feel I am left with the the fantasy of being that submissive woman in bed.

I continue to this day on figuring out what my role is in a relationship. I have experienced little in equality, I have these ideas of what I am supposed to be looking for and I have finally pinpointed down on what I want in a person however not how the dynamics are to be. Damn you religion all this submission talk is making me horny, no wonder why we all grasp onto books like 50 Shades of Grey.