AHH Sex!

I have always had a journal since I was a young kid. I would feel guilty and ashamed if anyone, especially my parents, were to discover my thoughts and feelings so I would often destroy the pages over time. I never regretted doing that until the past year or so looking through ones from 2008 till now. Especially since the topic of sex and dating is something I have been curious and wrote about since I was about 8 - 10 years old - young, I KNOW! I didn’t know that I was masturbating but sometimes when my pants would rub me, it felt good so I explored more of it later on. I thought about sex a lot at a young age but I honestly didn’t know how it worked. My mother bought me books on the human anatomy and would appropriately call out names “it is a penis and or vulva/vagina not to be called anything else” she would say. I would see the droopy penis hanging down and knew I had a hole to pee out of but the thought of how it all worked never connected. I was a stupid kid, I know, even with the picture books.

The topic of sex was so taboo and I congratulate my mother for being a little too open not only with me but all my friends that came over, at least to the point of its consequences – if I had sex before I was married I would get syphilis, genital warts and THIS is what it looks like. AHHH!! To this day, I never have or never will eat cauliflower, ever.

In church and school and student government workshops we had these abstinence programs, virginity pledge programs, True Love Waits, etc. where you would get a lecture by speedy the sperm from the “Why kNOw?” Program scarring us that we will get depressed and contract an STD if we have sex, they also instilled some guilt, made us sign a contract that we would wait till we were married, practiced how to say, “NO” then handed us a Tootsie Pop and sent us on our way with a goodie bag packed with Why kNOw brochures. Some programs my friends got rings, I was sort of jealous however in the back of my head knowing my thoughts I would feel even more guilty all the damn time, so I avoided that program at all costs.

I was fortunate enough that my family was able to send me to attend Christian Youth Group Conferences (BNYC & ATF) yearly throughout Jr. High and some High School. It was an awesome time to load in a van full with friends and our youth pastor would drive us across country to attend these week long meetings with others my age around the country. It was so fun and the time of life, I looked forward to it each year as I got to explore Washington, DC, Philadelphia, PA, Lexington, VA and Denver, CO. It was this awesome camp that I met amazing people from Tennessee, Ohio, Washington, all over then pen pal them throughout the years; in fact Facebook was not around then … I wonder if I should creep on them and check up on their True Love Waits status’.

Anyway during these conferences there would always be a day or two pertaining to sex and dating. The basic themes were married people getting on the stage announcing how awesome, great and beautiful sex was. It was something very special that God created for married people. They got their point across that it was great which piqued my interest even more but then they would guilt us with the wrath of God, STD’s, it’s dirty and I am dirty for thinking about it or like it, lust was the direct ticket to hell and punishment, sex was the main cause of relationship problems, it arises bad emotions, then they spit out verses like 1 Corinthians 7:9 “But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” I often thought this is why Mormons get married so young. Christians (yes I believed Mormons were not Christians at this time) would just do it and pray that spiritual virgin prayer to ask God to cleanse and make them whole again and become a vicious cycle. Anywoo by the end of the week I would be at the alter on my knees crying because I was a curious teen and that God would hurry up and send me my Boaz.

Obviously I was raised in a Christian home where the church stressed the importance of finding that Boaz, one day my prince will come, I need to be submissive (which as an Atheist has been quite the adjustment, I can talk about this later) and when I find that provider I will need to be that Proverbs 31 woman, get married and have kids and raise them the way I was brought up with God as the foundation of it all. It was God was #1 before any one including my husband and children and certainly before any thing.

Not quite ready to be the woman to “select wool and flax with eager hands" or "be like the merchant ships, bringing food from afar,” I was young, 13 and burning cookies living with my parents being a bratty, horny teenager that would never think about becoming submissive to anyone. I also developed big boobs at an early age and became very ashamed of them. I thought it was another thing God was torturing me with. I had boys starring at them and I ended up developing bad posture to try and hide them. 

Funny, not being educated to know the facts of my body, how it functions, what goes where and why, my masturbatory sessions were quite interesting. They happened often, I was totally doing myself any time I could. At first I didn’t know what I was doing was “morally wrong” and making God angry but once I found out, I was crushed! I didn’t understand why God would make me this way, I thought it was crude and then the scripture “it is better to marry than to burn with passion” was apparent each day and the guilt grew bigger. Over and over I pleaded with God, at first trying to make bargains then crying over the immense “impure” thoughts I would have throughout my day. Why was my body allowed to undergo all these changes and I had all these hormones and feelings and desires and I was not allowed to think about them? After watching the Little Mermaid prance around in a bra, nicely endowed like myself with God’s other lovely creation of a strapping man with black hair and blue eyes? Oh those blacked haired blue-eyed men … mmm... It didn’t seem fair that I would develop crushes and be punished by guilt if I thought about them - I didn’t know if this was normal. What else was everyone else going through? I still have no idea; it’s an embarrassing point in all our lives.

I think because it was so forbidden this urge of ‘boy crazy’ set in very early for me that I was able to explore it in a semi healthy way with dating at the age of 16. I ended up always in a long term (1+ years) since 16 years old till I was 2 months shy of 24 years old. With those relationships, I always felt the pressure to make them “God centered,” mold them into a God pleasing firm foundation. It could not be long lasting if you’re foundation didn’t prioritize your relationship with God - it would never be successful. I remember stressing over this many times for many years because most of the guys I dated were not Christian. 2 Corinthians 6:14 “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” Ugh the guilt!


I struggled with remaining faithful to my relationship with God, my boyfriends and my purity. With (what I think I have) a very fascinating dating history I can go on about stories (and I think I will in later posts) because I often wonder what other people have been through! I feel like dating and views on sex as a Christian turned Atheist  has been one of the most intriguing experiences I have to cope with.

Marty Kline made a statement in Psychology Today that the median age for marriage today is getting closer to 30 years old; the age of sexual maturity is getting younger – starting earlier around 14 years old. Thinking of that, you have between the ages 14 to 30, those years is like the playground for premarital sex. Meaning if you hold onto the fundamentals of the Christian doctrine and you believe it’s adultery there is a decade and a half where you have natural sexual urges that if you have sex you will then be told you have committed a crime against God and man and you are broken. Abstinence programs are a joke, I believe in sexual responsibility however the way the church handed it to me was wrong.

Sex education should be open and taught in a positive, natural, not so weird or not seem so "taboo" and certainly not dirty with the whips and chains of guilt. I think it should be encouraged under the light of health especially when there are so many people that can't even wash their hands after using the bathroom. Have you noticed all those small trash cans by the doors everywhere now a days? Gross, don't you know if you touch or want to touch yourself with your hands or a toy, it should be clean at all times before and after? You should want to have pride in taking personal responsibility and control of yourself. I wish I learned in the beginning how to be safer and understand how it works and what was happening to my body. Not just how to say, "No." I think these and religion has distorted my views on relationships making them and myself unhealthy. 

I met a guy, Paul, recently. This guy cracks me up. I love that he has an interesting upbringing. Not only did he grow up in Africa but his parents were completely open and honest about sex with him. A funny story he shared was he had a girlfriend stay with him and his parents kicked his sister out of her room because she had the bigger bed. Paul and his lady were engaging in sex and his mother was ready for dinner, she knocked on the door and said, "Paul finish up, dinner is ready." While he was a little embarrassed he respects his mother and their openness of these natural activities. They obviously also needed to educate their child about AIDS since it was prevalent in the area he was in but also they understood it was natural. He always carried around condoms and in the US we perceive this as he is expecting to have sex and it is premeditated, however, in reality he is responsible, prepared and has common sense. A lot of men from the US, I have noticed, expect to have sex unprotected. That is the most ridiculous, disgusting and irresponsible way to approach sex.

It has taken me to walk away from the church to learn how to handle sex responsibly and rationally, also how to love myself, love my body and not to be ashamed. I no longer have these guilty feelings about normal behaviors and desires. Why wouldn't anyone want be straight up with: These are the facts and actual statistics, here is how to avoid them logically, this is how you clean up, how the body’s hormones work, what my menstrual cycle is about, how to handle relationships properly and maturely, take responsibility for actions, get check-ups regularly, these are various birth control methods and it’s stats, population control, know the greater good, it’s ok to be human, it’s ok to explore but be healthy and in control and ready to handle these emotions and or consequences positively not solely on the negative and that it's dirty until you get married. 

If you are young and curious these are somethings I didn't find out till I was old and it was so embarrassing talking with my Dr. about sex 1.) in UTAH of all places after he asked how long I was married and 2.) being 26 and asking about birth control I got the saddest looking stare from another Dr. 

• Know that these feelings and urges are completely natural and you should never feel bad about them. 

• Understand it is such a huge decision to know you are ready but only you will know. Be ready to take responsibility for your actions. 

• Be ready for the unexpected, plan and as weird as it is, know what you're partner would do if you got pregnant. It's an awkward conversation but has helped other people make their decisions before ripping off the shirt. 

• Planned Parenthood is a great resource for information, birth control, tests and is confidential and works with your income even if you're totally poor. 

• The Plan B pill is available at Planned Parenthood and any pharmacy you can get over the counter. Just walk up and ask for the Plan B pill and it's about $45- 60. Do not try and use this as a form of regular birth control! Take immediately after you have sex up to 72 hours later, sooner the better. 

• Think about your future and our greater good of the environment. People work hard and don't want you to struggle being a young parents. We are so over populated! We don't need irresponsible kids having kids. Termination (abortion) should seek counseling prior and after and be 100% on your decision before dropping $500+. 

• Know there are various types of birth control and find one that is best for you. I have a lot of friends that have an IUD. They love it, it was completely painful for the first 2 - 3 weeks but lasts up to 12 years. Here is a link for more information about others: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control-4211.htm

• As a girl, always clean up yourself afterwards by peeing, showering, wiping, etc. Also if you use toys/objects be sure to remove the batteries before cleaning. Here is a great link: http://brown.edu/Student_Services/Health_Services/Health_Education/sexual_health/sexuality/sex_toys.php

• Masturbation has many great health benefits! Here are just a few:

• You can't really get yourself pregnant or an STD

• Oh so useful when you're on your period - gross but it relieves that bloating and pressure

• Increases the ability to have orgasms  

• Reduces stress and tension

• You learn more about yourself that when you are with someone, sex can be a lot better 

• Improves sleep

• A good sex life is one that keeps in balance with everything you're about — your health, education and career goals, relationships with other people, and your feelings about yourself.