Like That One Time I Was in an Abusive Relationship

No one should live in fear of the person they love. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you notice and acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.

To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings	Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Do you: feel afraid of your partner much of the time?	Does your partner: humiliate or yell at you?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?	criticize you and put you down?
feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?	treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?	ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?	blame you for their own abusive behavior?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?	see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats	Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner: have a bad and unpredictable temper?	Does your partner: act excessively jealous and possessive?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?	control where you go or what you do?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?	keep you from seeing your friends or family?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?	limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
force you to have sex?	limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
destroy your belongings?	constantly check up on you?

Other signs:

·      Victims are Afraid of the Abuser

·      Abusers Use of Threats and Intimidation to Force Compliance

·      Abusers Withholds Resources from Victims

·      Abusers Instill Feelings of Inadequacy in Victims

·      Victims Feel they Deserve to be Punished by Abusers

·      Victims are Not Trusted by Abusers

·      Emotional Dependency of the Abuser on the Victim

·      Blaming the Victim for the Abuser’s Actions

·      Why Do Abused People Stay With Their Abusers?

As a Christian, I was taught to always “fear” God. My mother would interpret this as to “respect” God. Ok sure, I bought that. However while continuing my journey and relationship I would wake up early and diligently do my devotions. I would read about God’s wrath and eventual punishment. I would be very nervous to “anger” God.  In the bible he used violence to get his way or to force people to comply with certain rules. I would read about the things he did to wipe out nations because he was angry.

Even the thoughts I had I was cautious to think because God knew everything about me, how many hairs on my head, my thoughts, my fears, my strengths and my weaknesses. I was left vulnerable and that he was ultimately in control over me. This scared me to keep in my relationship with him also I avoided topics such as learning new ideas, religions, sexual and “impure” thoughts that are perfectly normal. I would not think about learning but learned to be content with what I already knew about my relationship with him. Anything else would hinder our relationship and I did not want to end up in the pits and threats of hell for all eternity.

Job 1:21 “and said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” I was taught that God can give and take away. This meaning anything from possessions to emotions; God has exercised his control over me by controlling my resources – if I was disobedient he was able to take way my basic necessities for living.

With trying to stay on track of controlling my thoughts, actions, my humanity would show and I would mess up. Time after time I beat myself up for not doing the right things all the time. I didn’t consider myself a perfectionist but I felt I needed to be on stage at all times and kept messing up left and right. I spent many nights crying and praying for forgiveness for not saying the right thing or say anything at that bible study or to a non-believer (it was my time to minister and plant that seed), I would get upset if I knew or thought I displeased my Lord and Savior. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right or make my own decisions. I would have to live by his laws in order to be a moral person and every [right] decision had to be made through him first.

This put me into a depression and a dark cloud I felt I walked for many days I would punish myself for not being good enough and falling short. In Romans 3:23 states for all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God. Why did I decide to stick around in this vicious circle? It’s because I was scared of the ladder and am worthless without him. I felt like I was to be blamed for being human. Even though God created me to be human and can punish or kill me anytime, all responsibility for being “evil” and what’s wrong with this world was laid on me.

I felt like I was the crazy one, I was incapable of living my life without him. He had a temper that I didn’t know what I was going to get, I felt like he was always mad, disappointed, or that he had this unconditional love and overwhelmed me with immense amount of comfort. He had the ability to threaten me with pain and guilt.

I felt that God was jealous and unable to handle it when people turn away. He is all-powerful but unable to prevent the smallest problems. My relationship with God made me feel inadequate, helpless, worthless, dependent and deserving of harsh punishment.

I have taken necessary steps to learn how to recover from an abusive relationship by congratulating myself for having the courage to leave, learning to love myself and be proud that I am doing something to improve my life. It’s nice to see that what I was subjected to was not my fault and that I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. It’s been a whirlwind of emotions and talking about it very helpful. I was stripped of my self-respect, self-image and now discovering new passions and new favorite things, new ideas, new philosophies, how to critically think, and use logic and reason! So thankful for my sexy brain. I am happy to say the recovery has been difficult but I feel happier and healthier!

This was no way to live life and no one should be subjected towards such violence. Here are some resources that helped me with this post:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

http://www.thehotline.org/2012/05/emotionally-recovering-from-an-abusive-relationship/

http://atheism.about.com/od/whatisgod/p/AbuserAbusive.htm

http://www.wikihow.com/Love-Yourself-After-a-Long-Battle-in-an-Abusive-Relationship