Not Love but the Other "L" Word

Moving to Incline Village, a new area with no friends, no family and starting over again has brought some new feelings I first experienced while living at the Warming Hut. I look at the road I took on transitioning my life - becoming an independent/follow your dreams and passions type of gal - then picking up, leaving Portland and exploring new ventures, I sit here in the middle of nowhere High Sierra now Lake Tahoe watching one of the most gorgeous sunsets anyone could ever experience and all I can think about is not having anyone to share it with. "No one" means not only romantically but I had some family and friends tell me they would come visit and never came. Besides my buddy Nick and 2 people I met in Sonora, nobody came to visit, nobody was able to experience this with me and it left me feeling for the first time in a long time, if ever...lonely. Why recently have I had this desire to share everything I have experienced? Why do I feel so alone? I never considered myself to be this “L” word, why now?

It's funny how it turned out while that charming Hut in the woods; I asked myself for the first time, "What is wrong with me? I am 28 years old I finally get that cabin in the woods and why am I sad?" This was the first time outside of the comforts of Portland that I got to settle down where it left me with a lot of time on my hands to think. While loving each sunrise, sunset the enjoyment of being able to cook on my deck topless and crack a beer with the coyote, I was sad. It brought me to a place that made me think of dark times in earlier years, it made me think that I wouldn’t ever find anyone capable of keeping up with me. It made me reflect a lot of my lifetime and the decisions and choices I made. In the beginning I couldn't sleep at all. Not only from the mice running around but dark thoughts of all my heartbreaks and no wonder why they left me. I never had such silence and nothing to do but sit around in the beautiful wilderness while depressing thoughts of my past relationships and loneliness, I had a break down:

Here I am at the age of 28, 12 years later from my first heartbreak, I continue to ask myself, how many times can my heart get broken? How many men have I wasted my time and energy on? Time and time again I get pushed away, shut out and flaked out on. Hurt and broken, I end up sitting on my floor swallowing my pride and picking up the pieces. Too many times I have fallen asleep with swollen eyes, a sore nose and mascara in my ears then smeared among pillowcases. As I wipe my face with my disc golf tournament towel and finish off my Pendleton whiskey, I can’t help but laugh at myself of my situation: here I am, again, it ends the same as always - I go home, alone and was the only girl without a caddy. I sit in a pile to reminisce of a backpacking trip: wool hat, backpack, smelly socks, headlamp, trekking poles, maps full of marked routes, camera with a memory card packed full of pictures of remote places and a badass hike I just accomplished, boots with 100’s of miles on them and I am sad I have no one to share it with. I look up in the mirror and realize I look like a wreck; messy hair, swollen eyes, horrendous room and no one’s shoulder to rest my head on, however this scene is all too familiar with me. How many, “you’re awesome’s” and “you’re quite the catch” do I need to actually have a man come into my life and recognize and realize it? I see the type they end up going for and lose their hair over her because she’s fucking nuts. Why can’t anyone realize this yet?

I can only recall being in the pits of this concept of loneliness 3 times in my life: 

(a.) 16 years old with my first heartbreak, I laid in bed for days I felt like my heart was literally ripped out and I found it very hard to breathe, kudos to my parents for their first major support system and while one subject I have some brief words for my father about that: You may not have always had the words to say to your broken hearted daughter, but your actions, presence and flaccid expressions were overwhelming me with love and comfort.

(b.) At 23 with my 2^nd bf after deciding he wanted to get married and I did not – I had to walk away. 

(c.) at 26 realizing there was no more “Santa” aka God. 

I somehow snap out of this and realize crying over this loneliness and heartache is interesting for 3 reasons: 

(1) It's not the manless life, but I realize in the transition I am no longer able to rely on a "spiritual boyfriend" or that "relationship with God." I always had back-up with my Christian friends there to hang out and support me and encourage me in times of man guilt. I always had someone tell me God is there to comfort me, it was God that I wasn't focusing on to be my "boyfriend." Once I turned my back on God that's the most when you experience heart break. Now as an Atheist, I think it was a mere distraction from keeping me away from my own abilities to pull myself out of it and think critically. I was in a vulnerable state and because someone presented me with a unicorn to wipe up my tears for a short time, how could I say no? Now I believe I am the only person that can pull myself out of my misery. With my thoughts I believe I can change my situation, it is my own world view that causes pain, hurt, pleasure, happiness, joy. My mind is so powerful in ways unimaginable and its so sad I never used parts of my brain growing up. I think my grades would have been a whole lot better in grade school!

(2) When I was a Christian I lived in communities where making friends was easy, there were plenty of people my age and if not I could join any Christian church and find a family. Each time I moved I was able to look up a Christian church in the phone book. Ah yes, phone book, to find the one that was "right for me." While I pat myself on the back for church shopping and finding great church families throughout my years and travels, the one thing I do not have has been starring at me in the face since leaving Portland is I am no longer a member of the church community. While people I met in church are genuine, forgiving and understanding by keeping me in their lives, the opportunity for me to grow that "family" has ended. 

  

The one thing the Church has over Atheism is that obligated sense of community, it's definitely interesting not having that service available anymore.  I remember the days when I could move to anywhere and find a church with people willing to help me out with moving, cleaning, making a homemade meal, I could find someone to hike and talk with about life and on a spiritual level or even an older mentor to help me walk through my troubles. If I ever found myself needing assistance, if my car broke down, if I had nothing to eat, nowhere to stay, recommendations for the town, etc. the church was on it. It was an eye opener for me to realize the church has so much money, brain washing and guilt on people to form these communities and into a lifetime payment plan of their 10%. At this breakdown point, I realized I am forced to do things on my own and it was so empowering that it is up to me to pick myself back up and do something about the absence of spiritual community by forming more genuine connections. I'm loving getting out and meeting people online or just talking to people. I have become less judgmental in that I love humanity. People are so interesting, why did I only feel like I needed to stick to one type and out of that scary "real world." Oh that's right, be in the world but not part of it, did I say that right? I was supposed to judge people's interactions and lifestyles and either shine that light on their sins or hang with people of my Christian status to hold me accountable. 

Snapping out of depression while laughing about my transition reason (3) While unpacking I found my bible. It dropped the page it opened up to winkled pages due to water damage. Upon further investigation it was also covered in mascara tears smeared over Proverbs 5. It broke my heart as I pictured myself back kneeling over my bible agonizing with guilt about being an adulteress more so than my breakdown I was having or any break up has ever hurt me. I truly feel it took a lot to get myself out of that abusive relationship with God and I should be proud of my accomplishments. Looking at those dried up pages with the marks of torture made me realize is that crying over my sheer loneliness without a man is a lot better than the guilt, pain and suffering I lived with as a Christian. It made me glad that I no longer have to recite for time that God is great, “Lean not on your own understanding and God has a plan …” It was all bullshit. Matthew 18:3 And he said: "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Makes me sick. Makes me even more sick of the way the church taught me to suppress my sexuality, my thoughts, feelings that were all completely normal yet I was made in the image of God. This has fucked with my approach to dating and my body to where I am left to figure out where to go from here and how to handle these types of emotions without "praying" them away to a horrendous God. 

Despite this newfound loneliness, silence and desire to be wanted, I feel I am living the best way I know how, without God watching me masturbate. Living in that cabin in the middle of nowhere woodlands I dreamed of as a kid thinking I would be writing, reading and reflecting. This silence I was temporarily forced to live under left me with nothing to do, no where to be but sit on a deck and look at the open sky and mountains surrounding me. The stillness was a way for me to change my view on my situation, predestined thoughts and configure my disappointment to be optimistic about this time also to be silent and thankful for my new life, thought, freedom and independence. It forced to think of how to become a better person, how to appreciate those still in my life a lot more. I have made a lot of close friends and have lost a lot of close friends; it has been interesting to reflect on those that are still remaining in my life. I have genuine people in my life not because of superstition or obligation but because these are real connections. How I choose the people in my life has been significant psychologically and scientifically. Being an Atheist, I have made positive changes in my life to realize I am who I am because of careful thought and reason, I have created my own path to make my life worth living without religious dogma.

Leaving the church has sure sucked at times, not being able to rely on a group of people obligated to assist, but rather I feel more comfortable in relying on humanity. I ultimately think people are good, no matter if they are Christian or not and for once it's nice to put that aside and be human. I think while I will say when I was a believer it was hard for me to not judge others, I feel this was something I didn't mean to do but I would later realize that I would feel sorry for people and send a little prayer out for them, hoping someone else (Jesus) would help. Now it's great to be in the driver seat making a difference, making things happen and literally getting down on my hands and knees to help others. It's nice to realize for me that morals do not come from religion but are innate. We all want peace and happiness but do little to attain them. The first step is recognition and we do little to realize the change must be in ourselves to change our situation.

Living a free from religion life has been surprisingly lonely at times, especially while dating and figuring out the transition, it's a whole new self-discovery. One thing I love is realizing to think more reasonably about men, I can now experience heartbreak on a more rational level rather than searching for God's plan or asking what I have done wrong or doing something wrong but pray about it rather than own up and taking responsibility. This has transitioned my dating theories on realizing certain relationships do not work out due to our own expectations, past and how we move forward, also our chemistry, hormones, personal experiences, and personal responsibility and where we are psychologically. It has shifted my way of thinking to look inward on focusing deep within my psyche on how I can improve, why I react to certain people the way I do and what I can learn about myself, rather than outward towards the heavens, the sky, the predestined knight to be only more lonely, hurt and disappointed. Overall remaining centered, not holding others responsible for the way you feel. It's no one else's job to help you be ok with yourself. As this new mentioned self-discovery, it's nice to be more aware of to see that other's that are not ok with themselves. Who wants to be with a hot mess anyway? 

While living at the Hut, the silence was the time for me to find who I am and work towards my passions. It made me think of my main man John's words:

"Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul."

"Keep close to Nature's heart...and break clear away, once in a while, and climb a mountain or spend a week in the woods. Wash your spirit clean."

Muir's quotes are ones that made me realize this time of loneliness is nature's way of calling me to reflect, breathe, "pray" as in meditate and ponder the moments life has given me. Each time I meet some guy and it doesn't work out, it's nothing to be upset about, people have their lives to life and passions to follow. It doesn't make sense to dwell on it, what does make sense is continuing on your own path, pursuing my passions, discovering what drives my heart and a life worth living. This was a time for me to break from community and family to rejuvenate myself to be the best person I can be when they do come around. Next time I won't have to be such a bitch while handling the "L" word. 

50 Shades of Godly Submission

Again, I go back to my childhood – cause it’s the only thing I know! Funny how much of my life has been in a small box, I was completely sheltered, and again I will say again how thankful I am for it. I used to think I was pretty liberal in my Christian thoughts and believed Jesus was just a big hippie…well I still think that to this day.

Coming from that religious background I was raised with traditional beliefs of a “man’s role” and a “woman’s role” – Whenever I found that Boaz, I was to submit myself to my husband and be that Proverbs 31 woman to rope him in then follow along with that Ephesians 5:22-24 "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands." 1 Timothy 2:11-12 "Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet." I can go on and on 1 Peter 3:1-7, Titus 2:9, Genesis 3:16, 1 Corinthians. 14:34-35 "Women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says. If there is anything they desire to learn let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church." And so forth, my point is not to give you a bible lesson but for you to understand the lessons handed down to me. 

For such the little firecracker I was, there was no way this was happening. I had such a hard time grasping onto this idea and eventually gave up on the idea of marriage around the age of 12. I threw it out the window and didn’t think it was a functional way to live. Divorce rates were skyrocketing and from my only worldview of my parents, they were fine – actually pretty affectionate to each other and loving, but I just could never see myself in my mother’s role as a wife and a mom to a rotten kid like me.

While struggling with it as a child then carrying it over through college, we had bible studies about this topic that usually tied in with the concept of abstinence and wait to have sex with your husband. Thinking this would never work out for me because I was not ever going to get married yet was blessed with this annoyingly high sex drive, it made things a little more interesting. I had a boyfriend at the time and we constantly (obviously) struggled with remaining “pure.” By the time we broke it off after 3 years I decided to take some marriage counseling classes hosted by my church; I joined a small group for married women between the ages of 30 – 60 while I was 23 and single. I got some funny looks in the beginning but by the introduction and mist of it all, my 3-year relationship and its “issues” were not so far off by the marriages that have been struggling for 15+ years. The women felt the same way I did and we made the same mistakes. We went through a serious called “For Women Only” by this Christian woman named Shaunti Feldhahn.

Shanti had conducted a research of men and what they wish they could tell their wives but are too afraid to - things that women needed to hear but in a gentle non-offensive way. Things like: men would prefer your respect over your love. Understanding the male nature and that is different from women – they want to be understood that they are competitive and want that woman to stand by their sides to be that damsel in distress but not a drama queen. To understand he feels like he may have the world on his shoulders as the provider and to respect that and the hours he may work it is important to come home to a calm environment so be that 50's woman, put on that dress and be quiet oh and have dinner ready. Also they felt they do not get enough sex and how to respond to it – basically get on your knees and blow bitches. To understand sex is everywhere and they are wired to look and to not take it the wrong way – this is where I needed to become stable and know who I am and be comfortable with it and know I was loved, be ok with everyone looks at porn. The last was that when a man says he loves you he means it and to not pity or fish for compliments, men like to romance but most women don’t give them the chance to, basically have confidence and self esteem and learn to be self aware. She had bible verses to back all this up. I still have the workbooks and what not if you are interested but I have definitely carried those over while dating as an Atheist with minor adjustments.

During this class I reflected over my passed relationships and realized I was controlling and over bearing, which I liked to interpret as this was “the curse” coming down on me as a woman from Eve’s taking of the forbidden fruit. I often thought this was the reason why women are so nuts – I made it make sense it was all because of the damn curve from the Garden of Eden.

From my “failed” 3 year relationship I knew I needed to do something about my dating habits and understand what men struggle with and always be aware of that. I needed to be emotionally grounded and train myself to be open and communicate at all times. This marriage class has really stuck with me, it was the turning point in my life that I realized in order for a marriage to be successful, it was me that needed to change and the missing piece was my unwillingness to become submissive. After intense reading, praying and meditating … of course! It all makes sense now! I DO in fact need to be the one to play into the “woman’s role” that God has called me to, so I accepted. I accepted that one day I would be a wife and a mother and do it God’s way. 

After drinking the Kool-aid then dating more men that were not Christian made me even crazier with guilt and pain, I got to experience difficult heartbreak while trying to live the Godly role of what it means to be a woman. What was also hard was having my parents see me struggling with all different types of relationships, however, brief words for my father: You may not have always had the words to say to your broken hearted daughter, but your actions, presence and flaccid expressions were overwhelming me with love and comfort.

I eventually stopped informing my parents on my dating life as I love love and fall in and out of it quickly. I decided to become this adult now 25 years old, freshly out of a 2.5 year relationship. This one was recovering after moving in, living together and experiencing a pregnancy. This was also a time to think about my religion, as this was the main key driver to breaking us up. It was also a time to exercise logic, which I used in my decision making for my child. I knew I wanted to eventually be a mother some day but I am obviously not ready to raise a child in a stable home nor would I want some other crazy person having to indoctrinate my child, also knowing this man was not the “one” for me I did not want to have life long ties with this person. I have absolutely no regrets and believe this as one of my first logical, most reasonable and valuable lesson outside of my religion to terminate it. The process was not hard at all, the hardest was reflecting on my life, my dating decisions and my words; I always said I believed this Christian way and did all the right motions but deep down I was not living the way I preached. It was so much pressure and so much guilt I am not sure why I lived with way for so long.

I eventually came out of religion formed new ideas and ta-da I’m an Atheist. I feel I can think a lot clearer and I’ve worked hard throughout each relationship to discover new things about myself and develop a solid foundation on who I am and how I can be more emotionally stable, self-aware and form self respect and learn to love my body and not be ashamed. Since dating as an Atheist, my view has changed again: It has made me drop the “victim” role, take responsibility and own up to who I am. It has made me think things happen not for a reason but because I thought through them while using reasoning. This has changed my arguments, cooperation, and views on jealousy, monogamy and learns to deal with heartache. What has been the most interesting transition is figuring the hell out of this so called “woman’s role” and “man’s role.” I got myself to drink the Kool-Aid now how do I spit it back out? How do I transform my once belief system to unchaining myself to being free and myself again?

Every time I meet a guy I think they HAVE to be chivalrous, they have to be the provider, the one to make the moves. What am I really doing? Am I playing a game? My eyes were first opened when I met this guy, Justin, after I became an Atheist. I was brand new and he was not shy about asking me to pay half of our dinner bill. I was shocked yet delighted. This was the first relationship I entered where I was an equal. He only opened doors if it was practical, we split everything, we had combined efforts to both bringing our 100%. While we were not the best fit as he and his current girlfriend are, I am so happy to have this experience and I still get to keep him in my life as a dear friend. It was the most equal decision when we were not feeling it, he met someone else, we like disc golf, ok, let’s move on now. I think before as a Christian I would have tried to find some sign, some superstitious aura in the mix and read into it as a crazy woman. Since then meeting and dating others have also given me some enlightenment.  After religion, the only thing I feel I am left with the the fantasy of being that submissive woman in bed.

I continue to this day on figuring out what my role is in a relationship. I have experienced little in equality, I have these ideas of what I am supposed to be looking for and I have finally pinpointed down on what I want in a person however not how the dynamics are to be. Damn you religion all this submission talk is making me horny, no wonder why we all grasp onto books like 50 Shades of Grey.

AHH Sex!

I have always had a journal since I was a young kid. I would feel guilty and ashamed if anyone, especially my parents, were to discover my thoughts and feelings so I would often destroy the pages over time. I never regretted doing that until the past year or so looking through ones from 2008 till now. Especially since the topic of sex and dating is something I have been curious and wrote about since I was about 8 - 10 years old - young, I KNOW! I didn’t know that I was masturbating but sometimes when my pants would rub me, it felt good so I explored more of it later on. I thought about sex a lot at a young age but I honestly didn’t know how it worked. My mother bought me books on the human anatomy and would appropriately call out names “it is a penis and or vulva/vagina not to be called anything else” she would say. I would see the droopy penis hanging down and knew I had a hole to pee out of but the thought of how it all worked never connected. I was a stupid kid, I know, even with the picture books.

The topic of sex was so taboo and I congratulate my mother for being a little too open not only with me but all my friends that came over, at least to the point of its consequences – if I had sex before I was married I would get syphilis, genital warts and THIS is what it looks like. AHHH!! To this day, I never have or never will eat cauliflower, ever.

In church and school and student government workshops we had these abstinence programs, virginity pledge programs, True Love Waits, etc. where you would get a lecture by speedy the sperm from the “Why kNOw?” Program scarring us that we will get depressed and contract an STD if we have sex, they also instilled some guilt, made us sign a contract that we would wait till we were married, practiced how to say, “NO” then handed us a Tootsie Pop and sent us on our way with a goodie bag packed with Why kNOw brochures. Some programs my friends got rings, I was sort of jealous however in the back of my head knowing my thoughts I would feel even more guilty all the damn time, so I avoided that program at all costs.

I was fortunate enough that my family was able to send me to attend Christian Youth Group Conferences (BNYC & ATF) yearly throughout Jr. High and some High School. It was an awesome time to load in a van full with friends and our youth pastor would drive us across country to attend these week long meetings with others my age around the country. It was so fun and the time of life, I looked forward to it each year as I got to explore Washington, DC, Philadelphia, PA, Lexington, VA and Denver, CO. It was this awesome camp that I met amazing people from Tennessee, Ohio, Washington, all over then pen pal them throughout the years; in fact Facebook was not around then … I wonder if I should creep on them and check up on their True Love Waits status’.

Anyway during these conferences there would always be a day or two pertaining to sex and dating. The basic themes were married people getting on the stage announcing how awesome, great and beautiful sex was. It was something very special that God created for married people. They got their point across that it was great which piqued my interest even more but then they would guilt us with the wrath of God, STD’s, it’s dirty and I am dirty for thinking about it or like it, lust was the direct ticket to hell and punishment, sex was the main cause of relationship problems, it arises bad emotions, then they spit out verses like 1 Corinthians 7:9 “But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” I often thought this is why Mormons get married so young. Christians (yes I believed Mormons were not Christians at this time) would just do it and pray that spiritual virgin prayer to ask God to cleanse and make them whole again and become a vicious cycle. Anywoo by the end of the week I would be at the alter on my knees crying because I was a curious teen and that God would hurry up and send me my Boaz.

Obviously I was raised in a Christian home where the church stressed the importance of finding that Boaz, one day my prince will come, I need to be submissive (which as an Atheist has been quite the adjustment, I can talk about this later) and when I find that provider I will need to be that Proverbs 31 woman, get married and have kids and raise them the way I was brought up with God as the foundation of it all. It was God was #1 before any one including my husband and children and certainly before any thing.

Not quite ready to be the woman to “select wool and flax with eager hands" or "be like the merchant ships, bringing food from afar,” I was young, 13 and burning cookies living with my parents being a bratty, horny teenager that would never think about becoming submissive to anyone. I also developed big boobs at an early age and became very ashamed of them. I thought it was another thing God was torturing me with. I had boys starring at them and I ended up developing bad posture to try and hide them. 

Funny, not being educated to know the facts of my body, how it functions, what goes where and why, my masturbatory sessions were quite interesting. They happened often, I was totally doing myself any time I could. At first I didn’t know what I was doing was “morally wrong” and making God angry but once I found out, I was crushed! I didn’t understand why God would make me this way, I thought it was crude and then the scripture “it is better to marry than to burn with passion” was apparent each day and the guilt grew bigger. Over and over I pleaded with God, at first trying to make bargains then crying over the immense “impure” thoughts I would have throughout my day. Why was my body allowed to undergo all these changes and I had all these hormones and feelings and desires and I was not allowed to think about them? After watching the Little Mermaid prance around in a bra, nicely endowed like myself with God’s other lovely creation of a strapping man with black hair and blue eyes? Oh those blacked haired blue-eyed men … mmm... It didn’t seem fair that I would develop crushes and be punished by guilt if I thought about them - I didn’t know if this was normal. What else was everyone else going through? I still have no idea; it’s an embarrassing point in all our lives.

I think because it was so forbidden this urge of ‘boy crazy’ set in very early for me that I was able to explore it in a semi healthy way with dating at the age of 16. I ended up always in a long term (1+ years) since 16 years old till I was 2 months shy of 24 years old. With those relationships, I always felt the pressure to make them “God centered,” mold them into a God pleasing firm foundation. It could not be long lasting if you’re foundation didn’t prioritize your relationship with God - it would never be successful. I remember stressing over this many times for many years because most of the guys I dated were not Christian. 2 Corinthians 6:14 “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” Ugh the guilt!


I struggled with remaining faithful to my relationship with God, my boyfriends and my purity. With (what I think I have) a very fascinating dating history I can go on about stories (and I think I will in later posts) because I often wonder what other people have been through! I feel like dating and views on sex as a Christian turned Atheist  has been one of the most intriguing experiences I have to cope with.

Marty Kline made a statement in Psychology Today that the median age for marriage today is getting closer to 30 years old; the age of sexual maturity is getting younger – starting earlier around 14 years old. Thinking of that, you have between the ages 14 to 30, those years is like the playground for premarital sex. Meaning if you hold onto the fundamentals of the Christian doctrine and you believe it’s adultery there is a decade and a half where you have natural sexual urges that if you have sex you will then be told you have committed a crime against God and man and you are broken. Abstinence programs are a joke, I believe in sexual responsibility however the way the church handed it to me was wrong.

Sex education should be open and taught in a positive, natural, not so weird or not seem so "taboo" and certainly not dirty with the whips and chains of guilt. I think it should be encouraged under the light of health especially when there are so many people that can't even wash their hands after using the bathroom. Have you noticed all those small trash cans by the doors everywhere now a days? Gross, don't you know if you touch or want to touch yourself with your hands or a toy, it should be clean at all times before and after? You should want to have pride in taking personal responsibility and control of yourself. I wish I learned in the beginning how to be safer and understand how it works and what was happening to my body. Not just how to say, "No." I think these and religion has distorted my views on relationships making them and myself unhealthy. 

I met a guy, Paul, recently. This guy cracks me up. I love that he has an interesting upbringing. Not only did he grow up in Africa but his parents were completely open and honest about sex with him. A funny story he shared was he had a girlfriend stay with him and his parents kicked his sister out of her room because she had the bigger bed. Paul and his lady were engaging in sex and his mother was ready for dinner, she knocked on the door and said, "Paul finish up, dinner is ready." While he was a little embarrassed he respects his mother and their openness of these natural activities. They obviously also needed to educate their child about AIDS since it was prevalent in the area he was in but also they understood it was natural. He always carried around condoms and in the US we perceive this as he is expecting to have sex and it is premeditated, however, in reality he is responsible, prepared and has common sense. A lot of men from the US, I have noticed, expect to have sex unprotected. That is the most ridiculous, disgusting and irresponsible way to approach sex.

It has taken me to walk away from the church to learn how to handle sex responsibly and rationally, also how to love myself, love my body and not to be ashamed. I no longer have these guilty feelings about normal behaviors and desires. Why wouldn't anyone want be straight up with: These are the facts and actual statistics, here is how to avoid them logically, this is how you clean up, how the body’s hormones work, what my menstrual cycle is about, how to handle relationships properly and maturely, take responsibility for actions, get check-ups regularly, these are various birth control methods and it’s stats, population control, know the greater good, it’s ok to be human, it’s ok to explore but be healthy and in control and ready to handle these emotions and or consequences positively not solely on the negative and that it's dirty until you get married. 

If you are young and curious these are somethings I didn't find out till I was old and it was so embarrassing talking with my Dr. about sex 1.) in UTAH of all places after he asked how long I was married and 2.) being 26 and asking about birth control I got the saddest looking stare from another Dr. 

• Know that these feelings and urges are completely natural and you should never feel bad about them. 

• Understand it is such a huge decision to know you are ready but only you will know. Be ready to take responsibility for your actions. 

• Be ready for the unexpected, plan and as weird as it is, know what you're partner would do if you got pregnant. It's an awkward conversation but has helped other people make their decisions before ripping off the shirt. 

• Planned Parenthood is a great resource for information, birth control, tests and is confidential and works with your income even if you're totally poor. 

• The Plan B pill is available at Planned Parenthood and any pharmacy you can get over the counter. Just walk up and ask for the Plan B pill and it's about $45- 60. Do not try and use this as a form of regular birth control! Take immediately after you have sex up to 72 hours later, sooner the better. 

• Think about your future and our greater good of the environment. People work hard and don't want you to struggle being a young parents. We are so over populated! We don't need irresponsible kids having kids. Termination (abortion) should seek counseling prior and after and be 100% on your decision before dropping $500+. 

• Know there are various types of birth control and find one that is best for you. I have a lot of friends that have an IUD. They love it, it was completely painful for the first 2 - 3 weeks but lasts up to 12 years. Here is a link for more information about others: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control-4211.htm

• As a girl, always clean up yourself afterwards by peeing, showering, wiping, etc. Also if you use toys/objects be sure to remove the batteries before cleaning. Here is a great link: http://brown.edu/Student_Services/Health_Services/Health_Education/sexual_health/sexuality/sex_toys.php

• Masturbation has many great health benefits! Here are just a few:

• You can't really get yourself pregnant or an STD

• Oh so useful when you're on your period - gross but it relieves that bloating and pressure

• Increases the ability to have orgasms  

• Reduces stress and tension

• You learn more about yourself that when you are with someone, sex can be a lot better 

• Improves sleep

• A good sex life is one that keeps in balance with everything you're about — your health, education and career goals, relationships with other people, and your feelings about yourself.

Like That One Time I Was in an Abusive Relationship

No one should live in fear of the person they love. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you notice and acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.

To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings	Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Do you: feel afraid of your partner much of the time?	Does your partner: humiliate or yell at you?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?	criticize you and put you down?
feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?	treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?	ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?	blame you for their own abusive behavior?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?	see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats	Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner: have a bad and unpredictable temper?	Does your partner: act excessively jealous and possessive?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?	control where you go or what you do?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?	keep you from seeing your friends or family?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?	limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
force you to have sex?	limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
destroy your belongings?	constantly check up on you?

Other signs:

·      Victims are Afraid of the Abuser

·      Abusers Use of Threats and Intimidation to Force Compliance

·      Abusers Withholds Resources from Victims

·      Abusers Instill Feelings of Inadequacy in Victims

·      Victims Feel they Deserve to be Punished by Abusers

·      Victims are Not Trusted by Abusers

·      Emotional Dependency of the Abuser on the Victim

·      Blaming the Victim for the Abuser’s Actions

·      Why Do Abused People Stay With Their Abusers?

As a Christian, I was taught to always “fear” God. My mother would interpret this as to “respect” God. Ok sure, I bought that. However while continuing my journey and relationship I would wake up early and diligently do my devotions. I would read about God’s wrath and eventual punishment. I would be very nervous to “anger” God.  In the bible he used violence to get his way or to force people to comply with certain rules. I would read about the things he did to wipe out nations because he was angry.

Even the thoughts I had I was cautious to think because God knew everything about me, how many hairs on my head, my thoughts, my fears, my strengths and my weaknesses. I was left vulnerable and that he was ultimately in control over me. This scared me to keep in my relationship with him also I avoided topics such as learning new ideas, religions, sexual and “impure” thoughts that are perfectly normal. I would not think about learning but learned to be content with what I already knew about my relationship with him. Anything else would hinder our relationship and I did not want to end up in the pits and threats of hell for all eternity.

Job 1:21 “and said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” I was taught that God can give and take away. This meaning anything from possessions to emotions; God has exercised his control over me by controlling my resources – if I was disobedient he was able to take way my basic necessities for living.

With trying to stay on track of controlling my thoughts, actions, my humanity would show and I would mess up. Time after time I beat myself up for not doing the right things all the time. I didn’t consider myself a perfectionist but I felt I needed to be on stage at all times and kept messing up left and right. I spent many nights crying and praying for forgiveness for not saying the right thing or say anything at that bible study or to a non-believer (it was my time to minister and plant that seed), I would get upset if I knew or thought I displeased my Lord and Savior. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right or make my own decisions. I would have to live by his laws in order to be a moral person and every [right] decision had to be made through him first.

This put me into a depression and a dark cloud I felt I walked for many days I would punish myself for not being good enough and falling short. In Romans 3:23 states for all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God. Why did I decide to stick around in this vicious circle? It’s because I was scared of the ladder and am worthless without him. I felt like I was to be blamed for being human. Even though God created me to be human and can punish or kill me anytime, all responsibility for being “evil” and what’s wrong with this world was laid on me.

I felt like I was the crazy one, I was incapable of living my life without him. He had a temper that I didn’t know what I was going to get, I felt like he was always mad, disappointed, or that he had this unconditional love and overwhelmed me with immense amount of comfort. He had the ability to threaten me with pain and guilt.

I felt that God was jealous and unable to handle it when people turn away. He is all-powerful but unable to prevent the smallest problems. My relationship with God made me feel inadequate, helpless, worthless, dependent and deserving of harsh punishment.

I have taken necessary steps to learn how to recover from an abusive relationship by congratulating myself for having the courage to leave, learning to love myself and be proud that I am doing something to improve my life. It’s nice to see that what I was subjected to was not my fault and that I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. It’s been a whirlwind of emotions and talking about it very helpful. I was stripped of my self-respect, self-image and now discovering new passions and new favorite things, new ideas, new philosophies, how to critically think, and use logic and reason! So thankful for my sexy brain. I am happy to say the recovery has been difficult but I feel happier and healthier!

This was no way to live life and no one should be subjected towards such violence. Here are some resources that helped me with this post:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

http://www.thehotline.org/2012/05/emotionally-recovering-from-an-abusive-relationship/

http://atheism.about.com/od/whatisgod/p/AbuserAbusive.htm

http://www.wikihow.com/Love-Yourself-After-a-Long-Battle-in-an-Abusive-Relationship