Vision Questing

Before I started this journey, I began to discover a new inner strength. I noticed ‘losing my faith’ has made me a bit braver and do things I would never imagine that would be on the adventure scale of 7+. For example, I over thought my abilities and prayed constantly while rock climbing, while hiking a very spicy area with steep drop offs, I would say over and over, “God protect me, God keep me safe…” I was such a baby inside while made my footing a bit more hesitant, I would over analyze and there were a couple times I wanted to back out and sit this one out.

I didn’t really tell anyone this from the beginning of my “revolution” but the more I am getting to know more people, the more the truth reveals itself: I am doing this journey more as a self discovery to prove to myself that I do not need prayer and I do not need faith or God. I would always say God has a plan for everything, or everything happens for a reason. I would wait to see what God had planned for me; I would wait to rationalize the meaning of events. It’s so refreshing now to know consequence happens, it’s lovely to know it is up to me to make things happen. I cannot just sit and wait.

This "faithless" journey has been somewhat stressful and most joy I have ever experienced. Following my gut and knowing my capabilities and most importantly staying positive are my new transitional reasoning rather than praying and having “faith.” I am in the driver seat to stay calm, reasonable, use good judgment, make decisions and be a good person.  These steps are what are making this trip worth living. I have never experienced many accomplishments in short amount of time. I feel more confident in keeping myself alive and to experience new things, trust myself that I will take care of myself, trust that I am not doomed if the unexpected were to happen. I am living life to the fullest without having to look for meaning – everything is meaningful and I appreciate it a lot more. So far things are lining up. I set off without a plan and as I am going along I am making things happen. I work hard for what I want and I know my capabilities and be confident that what ever happens will happen and I need to pick up and deal with it.

I left Portland with the knowledge I would be completing raft guide school at some point – dates were all in the air and there was a point where I didn’t even know if it was going to happen. I planned about 6 months ahead financially and thought back when I went to Alaska in 2008 I left with -$10 in my bank account. Since then I built a career in hospitality management and took life as it came. I am looking to get back to have that drive to be resourceful and to work to live and not live to work. I took a chance on my finances and having no stable job ahead of me. Once I quit, went to Utah, and then got to Vegas that’s when I finally got the official dates for guide school. I paid and realized the work is not fulltime as they have a lot of returnees that have the priority for the workload. I would be put on a ‘rent a guide’ list to pick up trips. I then took matters in my own hands and started applying for jobs. I had a wonderful interview for a summer camp where they have a loaded calendar full of awesome activities from mountain biking, rock climbing, hiking, disc golf, rafting, you name it they thought of it. I need more experience in outdoor education and facilitating groups in the wilderness. 

I went to Yosemite and had a crazy time – will take another sheet of paper – and followed up with an email to them and drove up to Folsom, CA to rest the day before guide school. I got an email back on the way to Folsom offering me the position. I was overwhelmed with an array of emotions: I laughed then cried then laughed even more. How funny, I thought. I made this happen and I am going to continue to stay positive.

There is no big eye in the sky watching over me waiting for me to find his plan. I am creating it and it’s very refreshing to know I don’t have to look for meaning, I don’t have to think I am being punished if things aren’t going my way, I pick up and try something new.