I feel this is therapeutic and necessary for me to come out and say.
As most of you probably know or have seen my recent “likings” and postings, I feel the need with much respect that after more than 25 years struggling to be a fundamentalist Christian, I finally (and with much trepidation) made my break from Christianity as of about 10 months ago. Last Christmas 2011 to be exact was the missing piece I needed to say my goodbyes and I got to say goodbye in my hometown church which was also horribly painful.
After years of being in and out of church and struggling to believe the hopelessly illogical dogma of mainstream fundamentalism, the loss of my faith hit me suddenly, like a bolt out of the blue. I cannot describe the pain and guilt I struggled with. A quick reason as to how I got here was simple: I have always absorbed myself in the culture in which I live. For me, growing up was predominately a LDS community. Many of you know my fascination with the religion, I love it! I loved researching and learning about it and gaining knowledge of the history to know more than the members themselves. I found it easy to relate and share my faith as I already knew the guilt and struggles; however felt my way was the true way. As I have broadened my travels I still held on strong to my faith and always felt centered. As I have migrated to the Pacific Northwest the first thing I did as I do in a new community is join a non-denominational church. As I began to become an Oregonian I couldn’t help but notice the vast open Atheist community. Afraid of even having such thoughts I was a little afraid to dive into what they even think. The more and more I tried to talk to people about my faith the more I realized I had no relations to compare as people starred at me like I was insane. Wanting to connect more with people to share my testimony so they too could enter a relationship with God and have the same experiences of joy I felt I had to learn where they were coming from. Through my research and findings I stopped cold in my tracks and cannot even describe the whirlwind of emotions and pain I went through. The rug was pulled from under my feet, I could not deny solid evidence and reason that everything that has been indoctrinated in me was a delusion. I felt the goggles come off and I could see so clear and the biggest guilt burden had lifted, I swear I lost at least 30 lbs. this night. I had a new awakening and instead of it being the most awesome thing to wake up to it was the hardest, most sad and agonizing things to experience. I didn’t want to lose my faith, never, but it happened and it happened fast and was scary.
I've been seeking a lot of online therapy groups of people recovering from religion - you know something is so true and right your entire life then find out it’s not real. “Santa doesn’t exist.” I’ve also been reading some response letters from Christians on a website where de-converted Christians post their “coming out letter” and the Christian response seems they have many misconceptions about us “apostates.”
For instance, many of them believe that it was the people that drove us away from the faith, that somehow the church let us down, and we're just leaving out of spite or resentment. For some that may be the case. But for me (and I'd wager most of us), the people were, by and large, very loving and sincere, if a bit closed-minded. For most of us, our faith was far too precious to be abandoned on the basis of politics or disagreements. For most of us, the battle was entirely within ourselves. It was a pitched battle between my faith and my reason, and eventually my reason just refused to be suppressed any longer, no matter what the potential consequences.
Many can believe that I just flippantly "chose" to walk away from my faith. They don't realize that for me, it was the hardest and most terrifying thing I’ve ever done! I prayed for guidance. I agonized over it, I tried for months to stifle my intelligence and my reason, told myself I was wrong, that the Devil was trying to deceive me, that my thoughts are not God's thoughts nor his ways our ways, tortured myself with guilt and fear for even entertaining such ideas as this, quivered in terror that I might be wrong and burn forever in Hell as a result. I remember as I have before throughout my childhood praying repeatedly in bed for my salvation.
But in the end, not even threats of eternal torment could force us to love a God as petty, sadistic and tyrannical as the one put forth by mainstream Christianity. A God who calls Himself "good," while he orders babies and children murdered, women raped, animals tortured. Who, though knowing all and having all power, sits idly by while humans suffer and die horribly by the millions every day of starvation, disease, war and natural disasters. Who sets forth arbitrary laws and rules and punishes all who disobey (or even fail to believe) by roasting them alive in a slow fire for all eternity, (though it makes him really sad) and justifies all this purely on the basis of his power. How does this make him "good?” What then is his definition of "good?” Does his might alone make him right? How does this make him any different than Hitler or Attilla the Hun? By this definition, the cruelest human tyrant that ever lived was an angel by comparison, even the devil himself is "good.”
Many may believe I wasn’t a "genuine" convert, that my profession of faith was somehow superficial and insincere, that I wasn’t really “saved” and that's why my faith did not persist. But, if my conversion was insincere, then I can't fathom what sincere conversion is. See if this sounds familiar; I was converted when I came to believe that I was a sinner separated from God, who could not pay the debt of my own sin, and that Christ had come to die in my place on the cross to restore me to God. When the realization of this hit me, it was like I had been hit in the forehead with a bolt of lightning. I believed it and accepted it with all my heart, and I asked Jesus that very moment (long with many nights as a child, repeatedly), with every ounce of sincerity in my body, to come into my heart and save me and cleanse me and purify me and sanctify me and keep me from temptation. At that moment I had the same conversion experience that so many other Christians have had, and that so many cling to so desperately in the final death throes of their faith. It was a genuine transcendent experience. I felt I was in the very loving embrace of God, like a newborn baby in its mothers arms. Completely safe, completely secure, not a doubt, not a worry, not a single fear. I wept at the beauty of it all. I found much comfort in my Heavenly Father in times of loneliness, pain, temptation, happiness, joy, I felt God spoke to me through his creation of the wilderness.
Speaking of wilderness, I walked with God for those 7 days in Alaska. It was God that saved Abby and I, it was God providing all necessities when water was scarce, I was in awe and blown away by the awesomeness of his mercy and power and felt everything was on His timing - it was humbling and beautiful.
How much more sincere can one be? Must one weep tears of blood? And yet now, in the face of the irrationality of this belief system, not even an experience as powerful as this can continue to convince me of its truth. Because you see, it wasn't long before that pure, loving, wonderful experience was trampled upon by the juggernaut of Christian dogma and guilt. I went from loving God with all my heart, to trembling in fear of him. From security and safety, to constant worry that I might screw up and lose my salvation. From joy and bliss to guilt and self-condemnation. From loving my neighbor to sitting in judgement of him. The guilt! Oh the guilt. Everyday for being human, for being natural and denying my biology.
Speaking of wilderness, I walked with God for those 7 days in Alaska. It was God that saved Abby and I, it was God providing all necessities when water was scarce, I was in awe and blown away by the awesomeness of his mercy and power and felt everything was on His timing - it was humbling and beautiful.
How much more sincere can one be? Must one weep tears of blood? And yet now, in the face of the irrationality of this belief system, not even an experience as powerful as this can continue to convince me of its truth. Because you see, it wasn't long before that pure, loving, wonderful experience was trampled upon by the juggernaut of Christian dogma and guilt. I went from loving God with all my heart, to trembling in fear of him. From security and safety, to constant worry that I might screw up and lose my salvation. From joy and bliss to guilt and self-condemnation. From loving my neighbor to sitting in judgement of him. The guilt! Oh the guilt. Everyday for being human, for being natural and denying my biology.
And in over 25 years of church going and bible reading and pastoral counseling and listening to advice from Christian friends, and fervent, heartfelt prayer, often accompanied with tears, I can tell you that I never had more than 10 minutes of real peace than I have now, nor did I become one shred holier or less prone to sin than I was on the day of my conversion. There is not a scripture that hasn't been spouted to me, not an explanation or an apologetic I haven't heard and sincerely listened to at least a hundred times. And yet, in the end there was only one conclusion I could come to without completely assassinating my reason. And I have come to it.
Many may believe Atheists are out to "convert,” or take them away from the faith. I personally have no such desire, and I don't think you do either. If a person is truly happy as a Christian, and if it truly fills a void in their psyche, I would never want to jeopardize that for them. Faith is a very precious thing. Lord knows I tried to hang on to my own. But it's so good to know that for those who are in Christianity and who know deep down inside that they just can't believe it anymore, there are others of like mind out there. They don't have to make the journey alone.
I feel the necessity to post this because for so long I have preached, taught, spoke and openly prayed and tried to convert many of you to Christianity. I focused or tried to remain faithful to set an “example” to bring others to Christ and have that loving personal relationship I had. I wanted people to feel the joy I got from my faith I was called to be the salt on the earth. Sure my faith had it’s ups and downs but the guilt of constantly trying to remain on stage and my missionary lifestyle grew reason. I feel it is my responsibility to apologize for forcing my beliefs on you, for judging you, for being so wrong! I feel I need to be very vocal about my atheism and let you know I am still the charming Erica you know but with a my passion for logic and reason to be now open. I place my knowledge in science and it feels so damn good to say I can actually be me and connect with my biology and humanity. I feel like I am living. This year has been quite the transition! Below are just a couple of resources that got my gears turning and I am incredibly thankful for.
