I'll Either Save You Or Torture You Or...

I was reading some comments on a news report about the bomb threats at a Texas university today and someone made a comment about violence and Christianity. The most popular discussion on this news report was about the one comment made which I cannot remember or even find now as it got lost in the stream and don’t really feel like scrolling. I’m not to discuss the comment anyhow, but it get my gears turning about my struggles with the idea of God’s violence and how Christianity is a threat in itself and quite violent. Believe in this or else you will go to hell and burn for all eternity in pain and suffering and have the evil devil rule over you. In the “End Times,” God gives Death permission to slaughter 25% of the earth’s population by "sword, famine and plague, and by the wild beasts of the earth." How is it that people think to justify their religion they must use fear and violence? (Revelation 6:8) and how is it that a God can manipulate vulnerable people into this kind of stuff?

For years I lived in guilt and fear. As a child I laid in bed every night silently crying and praying for God to save me. I said the “sinner’s prayer” over and over even though I had done nothing wrong. I never wanted to be “left behind” I didn’t want to be tortured for all eternity. I wanted to make sure I was always right with God. 

Also as a child I was presented with cute fun pictures to color and hear stories like Noah’s Ark. Genesis 6 & 7 Unhappy with the wickedness of man, God killed every living thing on the planet except Noah’s family. Men, women, infants and animals drowned in unimaginable terror and agony. God KILLED because he was unhappy, ugh why wasn’t that emphasized over the miracle gathering of 2 animals.? Actually all of Exodus is basically God taking more pleasure from violence: from hardening Pharaoh’s heart and planned his “mighty acts of judgement.” The plagues of blood, gnats, frogs, flies, hail, killing livestock, boils, killing every first born, allowing Joshua to kill the Amalekits, According to God’s law, it was wrong to beat a slave to the point of death. But if the slave survived and got back up within a few days, the beating wasn’t punishable, because the slave was the property of the master. (God endorsed slavery and the beating of slaves.) and 32:27 After seeing the golden calf, God commanded the Levites, "Each man strap a sword to his side. Go back and forth through the camp from one end to the other, each killing his brother and friend and neighbor." 3,000 were slaughtered, and God was pleased and my tongue confess and knee shall bow?

But It’s a good thing Matthew 8:12 Jesus warned of eternal torture in hell, "into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth." So praise him!

John 6:53-66 Jesus said to eat his flesh and drink his blood. Despite the metaphorical tone, many disciples were uncomfortable with the idea and chose to walk away.

Ephesians 1:4-5 Despite all of Jesus’ instructions to accept him as savior, Jesus also says God "predestined" those will be saved according to His pleasure.

I’m so tired of all the contradictions, threats, and violence and hearing “ya just gotta have faith.” It’s almost like some type of odd organization to keep people with the same mind set and it’s cult freaky. 

“Imagine a world with no religion. Imagine no suicide bombers, no 9/11. No 7/7, no Crusades, no witch-hunts, no Gunpowders Plot, no Indian partition, no Israeli/Palestinian wars, no Serb/Croat/Muslim massacres, no persecution of Jews and ‘Christ-killer’, no Northern Ireland ‘troubles’, no ‘honour killings’, no shiny-suited bouffant-haired televangelists fleecing gullible people of their money (‘God wants you to give till it hurts’). Imagine no Taliban to blow up ancient statues, no public beheadings of blasphemers, no flogging of female skin for the crime of showing an inch of it.” -Dawkins

The Non Power of Prayer

I used to pray constantly. It's something that I actually sort of miss at times and I used to catch myself doing even when I became an atheist. It was a constant conversation going on in my mind when I woke up, when things weren't going my way, when I felt stress at work, when I felt sorry for someone, when I wanted something, when I wanted to have a better day. Since now I understand the "power of prayer," the gibberish is gone and is quite peaceful. I am not so dependent on talking about things in my mind but I am empowered to take action. 

I have heard Dan Barker, a former evangelical pastor turned atheist, say "nothing fails like prayer." I wanted to look more into the psychology and statics of prayer and what I have found is the likelihood of answered prayers is directly proportional to the likelihood of events happening without prayer. 

I wondered if God is omniscient and if he already knew what was going to happen and had things set, there wasn’t anything I could ask for that he didn’t already know, and he already had a plan for me, so why was I trying to put myself in the drivers seat? 

What I really needed to be doing was to find out what God’s Will was for my life. If he was omniscient then he had already given me all the tools I needed to solve whatever problem I had and it was my responsibility to find those tools for his will and for me to know how he wanted me to use them; not for me to tell him what tools I needed and how I thought I should use them. This idea was enough for me to dismiss intercessory prayer. 

I have read about studies in prayer where patients in a clinic, half of them were prayed for and the other did not. There was no found positive effect with prayers for patients.

I suspected that prayer at least had a positive psychological effect for the prayed for to know at least someone was praying for them, regardless if they did have metaphysical power. The people who knew they had people praying actually had more complications.

I have found that this is the validity of how god answers prayers in the forms of:

• Yes
• No 
• Wait

The hardest is wait. There’s a G.I.I. Video proving prayer is entirely psychological. For instance instead of praying to God, try praying to a jug of milk. The jug answers “yes, no, and wait” pray to it for $1,000 and it says, “wait and see what happens.” There are 3 answers in which you will receive: 

Answer Scenario

Yes            You get a check in the mail from the IRS you say, “see it was answered!”
 

Wait          2 weeks later you get a work bonus you say, “see I just had to wait.”

No            Nothing happens, why? “We have to trust that the jug of milk knows best.         Let’s be patient.” 

It’s clear how all these scenarios can be implied to a prayer to a god, jug of milk or anything, unfortunately as much as the yes, no, wait it can work with anything.

Prayer is something that has become quite silly to me.

What used to upset me when I was a Christian was I hated saying and hearing "I'll be praying for you." No you won't! It's just a one liner you say to remove some of the awkwardness, end the conversation, and avoid actually asking if there's anything to do. What I've learned if you are a Christian is pray right there immediately with the person, don't walk away and leave it at that, that's lazy. You'll forget and never do it. It's part of the Christian routine that is not genuine. Get real.

"You pray for me, I'll think for you." - the Thinking Atheist

I said these very words before.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0fN-EK4qmY&feature=g-all-u

Religion causes intellectual and moral atrophy by removing reason and independent thought. It robs its followers of themselves. -Craig Smith

I am so thankful for my upbringing, however I am far more grateful for my mind and ability to think. I cannot describe the peace I feel within without religion. I am no longer living with this cognitive dissonance. 

Proverbs 3:5 makes me sick!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" -New International 

"Hope in the Lord Jehovah from your whole heart and do not trust upon the wisdom of your soul." -Aramatic Bible in Plain English 

"Confide in Jehovah with all they heart, and lean not unto thine own intelligence." -Darby Bible

For years I have given up my intelligence, for years I have ignored my desire to learn sciences. I was told to not question anything for god has everything under control with his timing. 

The human mind is a brilliant organ and I fully intend to use it to the max and live life burden free from all the religious guilt and free from suppressing my own intelligence.

The Afterlife

Thinking of the afterlife as an atheist is rather refreshing. I feel like I don't live in fear of death anymore. It's eye opening to know it's another part of the natural world. After my brain stops thinking I am silent and dead, it's ok. Eternal sleep sounds a lot better than eternal worshipping of something that has caused so much turmoil to humanity and even thinking if I don't bow down he says fu&* you, now burn in hell. It's all just a silly concept to me.

I like what Mark Twain had to say, "I have been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it." Who and what in the universe cares that we are here? Seeing what science has discovered and proven, and knowing about the vast universe IS perspective that religion is so selfish and non realistic. Humans are so arrogant to think GOD created all this for US. We've become to think we're more entitled to destroy our planet and live for death. We become or at least I was living by taking no responsibility of my actions before. I was living with Jesus as my scapegoat that it's "ok" I asked for forgiveness from him, I prayed about it and am making my peace with god. I wouldn't actually humble myself before another human and admit I was wrong, at least if Jesus came back then I would be set right. I didn't take or act responsibly, my thinking was lazy and tunnel focused. I feel now I treat people with a deeper respect and know this life is unique and what we have evolved into makes me think of what humanity is currently evolving into now and what it will be. I feel like I am more entitled to do things and not just sit here and pray about them.

Life is entangled so beautifully. I like the settling with knowing I am stardust and I will be recycled as such when I am dead.

Instead of being so fixated on death and after it, I am so drawn to living now and making it more meaningful. Instead of praying and trying to believe things, do things, know reality.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eeMoOJpvUlU

"Coming Out"

I feel this is therapeutic and necessary for me to come out and say. 

As most of you probably know or have seen my recent “likings” and postings, I feel the need with much respect that after more than 25 years struggling to be a fundamentalist Christian, I finally (and with much trepidation) made my break from Christianity as of about 10 months ago. Last Christmas 2011 to be exact was the missing piece I needed to say my goodbyes and I got to say goodbye in my hometown church which was also horribly painful. 

After years of being in and out of church and struggling to believe the hopelessly illogical dogma of mainstream fundamentalism, the loss of my faith hit me suddenly, like a bolt out of the blue. I cannot describe the pain and guilt I struggled with. A quick reason as to how I got here was simple: I have always absorbed myself in the culture in which I live. For me, growing up was predominately a LDS community. Many of you know my fascination with the religion, I love it! I loved researching and learning about it and gaining knowledge of the history to know more than the members themselves. I found it easy to relate and share my faith as I already knew the guilt and struggles; however felt my way was the true way. As I have broadened my travels I still held on strong to my faith and always felt centered. As I have migrated to the Pacific Northwest the first thing I did as I do in a new community is join a non-denominational church. As I began to become an Oregonian I couldn’t help but notice the vast open Atheist community. Afraid of even having such thoughts I was a little afraid to dive into what they even think. The more and more I tried to talk to people about my faith the more I realized I had no relations to compare as people starred at me like I was insane. Wanting to connect more with people to share my testimony so they too could enter a relationship with God and have the same experiences of joy I felt I had to learn where they were coming from. Through my research and findings I stopped cold in my tracks and cannot even describe the whirlwind of emotions and pain I went through. The rug was pulled from under my feet, I could not deny solid evidence and reason that everything that has been indoctrinated in me was a delusion. I felt the goggles come off and I could see so clear and the biggest guilt burden had lifted, I swear I lost at least 30 lbs. this night. I had a new awakening and instead of it being the most awesome thing to wake up to it was the hardest, most sad and agonizing things to experience. I didn’t want to lose my faith, never, but it happened and it happened fast and was scary.

I've been seeking a lot of online therapy groups of people recovering from religion - you know something is so true and right your entire life then find out it’s not real. “Santa doesn’t exist.” I’ve also been reading some response letters from Christians on a website where de-converted Christians post their “coming out letter” and the Christian response seems they have many misconceptions about us “apostates.”

For instance, many of them believe that it was the people that drove us away from the faith, that somehow the church let us down, and we're just leaving out of spite or resentment. For some that may be the case. But for me (and I'd wager most of us), the people were, by and large, very loving and sincere, if a bit closed-minded. For most of us, our faith was far too precious to be abandoned on the basis of politics or disagreements. For most of us, the battle was entirely within ourselves. It was a pitched battle between my faith and my reason, and eventually my reason just refused to be suppressed any longer, no matter what the potential consequences. 

Many can believe that I just flippantly "chose" to walk away from my faith. They don't realize that for me, it was the hardest and most terrifying thing I’ve ever done! I prayed for guidance. I agonized over it, I tried for months to stifle my intelligence and my reason, told myself I was wrong, that the Devil was trying to deceive me, that my thoughts are not God's thoughts nor his ways our ways, tortured myself with guilt and fear for even entertaining such ideas as this, quivered in terror that I might be wrong and burn forever in Hell as a result. I remember as I have before throughout my childhood praying repeatedly in bed for my salvation. 

But in the end, not even threats of eternal torment could force us to love a God as petty, sadistic and tyrannical as the one put forth by mainstream Christianity. A God who calls Himself "good," while he orders babies and children murdered, women raped, animals tortured. Who, though knowing all and having all power, sits idly by while humans suffer and die horribly by the millions every day of starvation, disease, war and natural disasters. Who sets forth arbitrary laws and rules and punishes all who disobey (or even fail to believe) by roasting them alive in a slow fire for all eternity, (though it makes him really sad) and justifies all this purely on the basis of his power. How does this make him "good?” What then is his definition of "good?” Does his might alone make him right? How does this make him any different than Hitler or Attilla the Hun? By this definition, the cruelest human tyrant that ever lived was an angel by comparison, even the devil himself is "good.” 

Many may believe I wasn’t a "genuine" convert, that my profession of faith was somehow superficial and insincere, that I wasn’t really “saved” and that's why my faith did not persist. But, if my conversion was insincere, then I can't fathom what sincere conversion is. See if this sounds familiar; I was converted when I came to believe that I was a sinner separated from God, who could not pay the debt of my own sin, and that Christ had come to die in my place on the cross to restore me to God. When the realization of this hit me, it was like I had been hit in the forehead with a bolt of lightning. I believed it and accepted it with all my heart, and I asked Jesus that very moment (long with many nights as a child, repeatedly), with every ounce of sincerity in my body, to come into my heart and save me and cleanse me and purify me and sanctify me and keep me from temptation. At that moment I had the same conversion experience that so many other Christians have had, and that so many cling to so desperately in the final death throes of their faith. It was a genuine transcendent experience. I felt I was in the very loving embrace of God, like a newborn baby in its mothers arms. Completely safe, completely secure, not a doubt, not a worry, not a single fear. I wept at the beauty of it all. I found much comfort in my Heavenly Father in times of loneliness, pain, temptation, happiness, joy, I felt God spoke to me through his creation of the wilderness.
Speaking of wilderness, I walked with God for those 7 days in Alaska. It was God that saved Abby and I, it was God providing all necessities when water was scarce, I was in awe and blown away by the awesomeness of his mercy and power and felt everything was on His timing - it was humbling and beautiful.
How much more sincere can one be? Must one weep tears of blood? And yet now, in the face of the irrationality of this belief system, not even an experience as powerful as this can continue to convince me of its truth. Because you see, it wasn't long before that pure, loving, wonderful experience was trampled upon by the juggernaut of Christian dogma and guilt. I went from loving God with all my heart, to trembling in fear of him. From security and safety, to constant worry that I might screw up and lose my salvation. From joy and bliss to guilt and self-condemnation. From loving my neighbor to sitting in judgement of him. The guilt! Oh the guilt. Everyday for being human, for being natural and denying my biology. 

And in over 25 years of church going and bible reading and pastoral counseling and listening to advice from Christian friends, and fervent, heartfelt prayer, often accompanied with tears, I can tell you that I never had more than 10 minutes of real peace than I have now, nor did I become one shred holier or less prone to sin than I was on the day of my conversion. There is not a scripture that hasn't been spouted to me, not an explanation or an apologetic I haven't heard and sincerely listened to at least a hundred times. And yet, in the end there was only one conclusion I could come to without completely assassinating my reason. And I have come to it.

Many may believe Atheists are out to "convert,” or take them away from the faith. I personally have no such desire, and I don't think you do either. If a person is truly happy as a Christian, and if it truly fills a void in their psyche, I would never want to jeopardize that for them. Faith is a very precious thing. Lord knows I tried to hang on to my own. But it's so good to know that for those who are in Christianity and who know deep down inside that they just can't believe it anymore, there are others of like mind out there. They don't have to make the journey alone.

I feel the necessity to post this because for so long I have preached, taught, spoke and openly prayed and tried to convert many of you to Christianity. I focused or tried to remain faithful to set an “example” to bring others to Christ and have that loving personal relationship I had. I wanted people to feel the joy I got from my faith I was called to be the salt on the earth. Sure my faith had it’s ups and downs but the guilt of constantly trying to remain on stage and my missionary lifestyle grew reason. I feel it is my responsibility to apologize for forcing my beliefs on you, for judging you, for being so wrong! I feel I need to be very vocal about my atheism and let you know I am still the charming Erica you know but with a my passion for logic and reason to be now open. I place my knowledge in science and it feels so damn good to say I can actually be me and connect with my biology and humanity. I feel like I am living. This year has been quite the transition!  Below are just a couple of resources that got my gears turning and I am incredibly thankful for. 

http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/why-i-am-no-longer-a-christian/

http://recoveringfromreligion.org/

http://www.thethinkingatheist.com/

http://www.losingmyreligion.com/letters/exchristianletters.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_God_Delusion

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/God_Is_Not_Great

Religion is Like a Penis

It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around... and PLEASE don't try to shove it down a child's throat.