Fear the River Lords

I'm on a little mission of tackling on my fears. Ever since I was a kid I was terrified of water – pools, lakes, creeks, ponds, rivers, etc. It made learning how to swim difficult as I screamed my head off, kicked and clawed onto the instructors leaving bloody marks and scratches down their backs and necks. My poor sister that loved the water was so embarrassed. I think now that she has a baby she is taking the kid out to the pool at 4 months old to hopefully avoid her embarrassment of our summer days at the Kirtland public pool.

I eventually learned to swim around age 9 or 10. At 12 I joined a diving team at the Farmington Aquatic Center and was confident in my swimming abilities; I still never understood the fascination of swimming to lakes or jumping into ponds, or even putting your feet in moving water. If I could not see the bottom of any type of water there was a slim chance I’d even go near it. Considering there were no bodies of water where I grew up, I was in the clear of embarrassment.

I think it all may have began from a reoccurring dream I had as a child where I thought I actually knew I was going to die from drowning. Also as a child in swimming lessons I remember watching a video at the Kirtland Public Pool about some small kids swimming around messing in ditch and a kid got caught up in an under current and drowned. They never really went into detail but all I knew is even under steady water there could be some crazy currents down there that were looking to grab me and take me under! 

It all came to life one summer day in Utah around 2007-ish my friend Alanna and I decided to go tubing down the Provo River on a hot day. It seemed pretty safe as everyone seemed to be doing it. We picked up tubes from a tire shop and were on our way having a fun time, or at least I pretended. The water was pretty calm until we got to this bridge and my tube hit the side and I flipped. The water was going in all kinds of circular directions, I had my eyes closed and didn’t know which way was up or forward and I actually stayed calm and what seemed like minutes I thought, “this is it, this is my time and my dreams were right, this is really how I die.” I got caught under some branches that were above me and above the water. What I think happened was Alanna was behind me and able to swoop by and pull me up. I panicked as I surfaced and for some reason tried to stand in the moving water to gain composure. I grabbed onto Alanna’s tube almost flipping her and losing her shoes. My feet were getting tore up from grinding on the river floor. She got us to shore and I was in complete shock that I really felt it was my (first) near death experience. After that experience I was sure to never go near rivers again.

Actual photo from that trip down Provo River with Alanna.

In 2008 when I met Abby in Alaska we started backpacking. We learned all the tactics of wildlife, how to properly store food, I want to say backcountry navigation and eventually river crossing. I remember one trip we took with our friend, Josh. We came to Windy Creek and they wanted to cross but the fear of losing my footing and getting swept down in the cold glacier fed stream terrified me so we ended up sticking to one side and making the best of it. I felt sort of bad but I also didn’t want to die after getting lost for 7 days and after getting sucked down a river’s under current before.

Windy Creek

Well about 4 years later of avoiding water and still a fear of dying in a river, why not become a raft guide? I’ve been rafting maybe a total of 3 times, 2 of them were more float types with 1 class III+. I admire the adventurous spirits and witty jokes guides have. When I did do my floats I was scared of course and I wish raft guiding was something I wish I could do even just once. Losing my religion has sort of tugged at my adventurous side as I have described in my post “Vision Questing” and I have gradually been more open minded to attempt extreme sports.

I came to visit Rachel here in California at the end of March 2013 and the river is something that everyone grows up swimming in, rafting every weekend, everyone’s summer job and what keeps these small towns in business. I decided it was time to give up my fear and tackle it head on. It was no surprise that were group of friends decided to plan a trip with 2 rafts to take on The North Fork of the Yuba River to run the class 5 Maytag Rapid. I felt safe and surprised they had a serious safety talk with me. I was even more surprised to see the way the rafting culture worked. As pumped as they were to take on this rapid they were just as serious for everyone’s safety. I’m used to team sports however it depends on your own skill to contribute. While doing any other type of activity it comes down to individual success. 

Maytag

Rafting is very communal; everyone has an equal part that is just as important as the other from loading, unloading, strapping, and pumping the rafts, equipment, food, water, and communication. What was really awesome was that everyone watches out for everyone. They had this unspoken rule to not be too far away from each other and to watch each other go through rapids and if something went wrong everyone stopped to help each other out. 

Before hitting the big run we had a safety plan and it was even suggested that I get out to walk around. I shit my pants, I was terrified and literally shaking. The levels of adreneline were intense and I needed this. I needed to run this and run it safe to know I needed to face my fear. We ran it clean and I looked back and thought, “that was it?” All this planning, taking caution and suggestion to get out to walk around?! I did it and I did it well. It was the start of a new journey and I felt like a new woman. The energy levels were high everyone did well and the trip was awesome. This is what I needed, I need excitement in my life, I needed to know experienced rafters shit their pants too and they are terrified inside all the time.

I decided to go through with taking a raft-guiding course. It was very shocking to see my confidence level rise and form a respect for water, I think it was lacking before so I was scared of it. It was really awesome having control and knowing how to read and work with water instead of against; also it's great to know what to do if things go wrong. I think working in a place where crazy people make things stressful and as a manager I need to stay calm in stressful situations. I am thankful for that skill I picked up in the hotels, when things were intense it was very important and life saving to stay calm.

I am meeting guides that were ‘born with paddles in their hands’ that are often scared of the same rivers they run constantly. It makes me feel normal and also reminds me of when I was little, I didn’t get why I needed to “fear” the Lord and my mother would say, fear = respect.  I have a new found fear for Mother Nature’s bodies of water. I know now how to work with it, see how it moves, know how it works, what to do, understand the joys and troubles it can bring, it can bring life and death and it’s not to be messed around with but respected. Also NEVER stand up in a river no matter how deep or shallow the water is. I was very lucky that day on the Provo River everything I did was completely wrong yet it was my natural reaction.

Getting over my fear and guiding a class 4 was a check off my badassary bucket list. I am looking forward to taking people out of their elements to pull that adventurous spirit out and to understand the awesome powers of Mother Nature.

First time river guiding.