The Mourning of Thanksgiving

I am incredibly grateful for my self built communities, particularly here at NOLS in Lander, Wyoming. Since moving here 2.5 years ago, I honestly wasn't stoked to move to Wyoming...like literally, what the fuck is in Wyoming? Who actually moves there? I was also getting slightly worried on the drive up thinking, "What the hell did I just do? Why is it so flat, and ugly, and windy?!" When I rolled into Lander, population 7,000, I was pleased to see beautiful bright blue lakes, red and limestone rocks to climb, grassy hills peaking underneath the snowmelt, and the Wind River Range within reach, but also a bit skeptical... Would I like it here? Would it be the same communities that I've built for myself back when I lived in Utah, Alaska, Oregon, and Lake Tahoe?

I remember turning on the radio driving into the high desert of 5,000 ft, to catch a local station with "pow wow" music blaring. With no fucks given, I rolled down my windows to feel the wind in my hair and felt instantly connected to the land of the Apsáalooke, nodding my head to the drumbeats with my left hand out the window feeling the waves of wind brush through my fingers.

Moving here 2.5 years ago, I had many different perspectives than I agree with as I now see the world with a different lens. When I moved here, I was in transition of just having graduated college after a 5 year gap, then studying psychology and outdoor leadership, I also initiated a break up after 3 years of blissful, polyamorous living. I also had constant new world views after leaving religion and identifying as an Atheist. I also didn't understand I was undergoing initial phases of understanding and recognizing trauma. I was career focused, ready to accelerate into a new career in outdoor education. I just phased out my hospitality management career and wanted to make someone of myself in the outdoor industry by initiating #EricasRevolution.

With stars, arriving in Lander, in my eyes as well as thinking this would be easy, I wasn't ready to undergo more cultural competency, more curtains lifted before me about myself and my culture; I wasn't ready to deeper understand my mother, my family, my ancestors, and myself, having been through incredible amounts of historical trauma that we swept underneath the rug to thrive in today's society. Today's society is dominated by white culture that I have been ingrained to adapt to...to assimilate to. That my immediate family and my ancestors have been taught and trained to be "white."

Living in the modern day, as a millennial "kill the Indian, save the man" has become even more alive today. I see this when I am told to "be professional," when I see power hoarding, asked to show 'a sense of urgency', having my supervisors or coworkers possess a "savior complex" over me that they are doing me a favor by hiring for "diversity," that "good for you" for being here pat on the back. "You can work here but then you need to assimilate to our dominate white culture, and there is no support for you once you walk in the door." 

I have discovered an incredible amount of resilience within myself over 2018. In this discovery, I am finding this characteristic to be more of an evolutionary trait that was ingrained in my from my ancestors, including my mother, as a product of trauma and assimilation. My nuclear family and ancestors have been put through brutal situations since colonization/arrival of the "pilgrims," and since we were taught in the 1990's about that "first Thanksgiving." In school I was raised thinking, like many of you, the Mayflower landed on Plymouth Rock and Squanto helped save the Europeans by teaching them to hunt, gather, grow, and then eating their first harvest together in harmony. Then as an adult, why is there poverty on Indian reservations? Why aren't tribes doing better for themselves? Why is there still no electricity or running water on the Navajo reservation? Why is Standing Rock or Bears Ears protection a big deal? Why do some of my indigenous family members deal with depression, alcoholism, and suicide at higher rates than other cultures? Why do police in many US cities fail to track murdered, missing Indigenous women but track white women that are? 

Today... Today I am on social media seeing how you're grateful for your family, loved ones, and food. So. Much. Food. You're giving thanks for your privileged life, which you deserve to. I am not here to service white guilt. I am not here to change your traditions or thoughts on how you choose to honor this 3rd Thursday in November. I am here to simply put my story out there to hopefully spark new thoughts of what it's like having people like me in your life; your silly and brilliant Navajo friend, neighbor, coworker, acquaintance, and or just some rando you follow on social. 

The time I've put into understanding the trauma and the pain hasn't been easy or fun, but it's been a refreshing journey to be able to make up my own damn mind and make my own decisions to honor my past and my ancestors. I am feeling an incredible amount of pressure to become an awesome ancestor, an educator, a protector of the land. As a Navajo millennial, understanding the trauma of my history and my privilege is incredibly freeing and simultaneously difficult.

Many times I feel I am navigating today's society alone in this odd space - white culture, my own privilege, yet burdened by my ancestor's past. My family may be content on living in white culture, my other indigenous friends may love the assimilation of woking in professional office. I am incredibly grateful for my online indigenous family I've been fortunate to meet over this year in 2018. I am also thankful to be in a local space with huge hearted folx that want to learn more and that are "woke" as fuck. I am incredibly grateful for my handpicked NOLS and Lander community to the fullest, you all inspire me to thrive to become more of myself. 

I thank my work environment for opening my eyes to many things that are going well and many things that are fucked up as a means to grow stronger. While my small community inspires me, I also face white supremacy when I walk into work each day, it's like this thing that cannot be unseen, now that I know. I work for an all white organization, dominated by white males and with a heavy unconscious bias towards them. I am conflicted when I believe in the mission but am failed and excluded when I don't see the mission played out in the office. I was sent this quote that I can't get off my mind: 

“When the culture of any organization mandates that it is more important to protect the reputation of a system and those in power than it is to protect the basic human dignity of the individuals who serve that system or who are served by that system, you can be certain that the shame is systemic, the money is driving ethics, and the accountability is all but dead. 

This is true in corporations, nonprofits, universities, governments, faith communities, schools, families, and sports programs. If you think back on any major scandal fueled by cover-ups, you’ll see this same pattern. And the restitution and resolution of cover-ups almost always happens in the wilderness—when one person steps outside their bunker and speaks their truth.” ― Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone

This has so much truth to this that I can resonate with on a very personal level. I left a corporate career 4 years ago in pursuit of a new one in outdoor education. I thought what I was leaving was a culture that did everything to protect the reputation of a system of those in power, I was expected to treat employees as if they were replaceable, as if they had unlimited resources to find another job and we didn't care because there were more people in line to apply. I found this to be true in non-profits and in Christianity as well. There is literally no difference in how both corporate, non-profits, or the Christian faith operate - money drives everything and the "right thing to do" flies out the window. 

I've recently (in the last 2 months) come to terms that if I want to work this hard for something that won't even have my back, I may as well work this hard for something I am building myself. I am incredibly excited to partner up with a former co-worker that found similar adversities and frustrations in "the system," so we're teaming up to do some dismantling white supremacy in organizations, clubs, and corporations. We are gearing up for a new website, a line of clients waiting for the training I have been trying to get my organization to open up and value. I am excited for this next step and not sure where it'll go or for how long, but right now I feel this is my calling. Passionate and authentic training, conversations, and personal growth. Stay tuned for more at the end of this month. 

I don't think I could do this without my Lander/NOLS community. 

Ahéhee’

Elite+ Premier is White Privilege

I travel a lot for work. When I lived and traveled with Jocelyn about 4 years ago, he encouraged me to sign up for a United mileage plus card to get points. When he would purchase flights for my birthday overseas we got lounge and premier access and it was great. I guess you could say I got spoiled and used to the accommodations. While traveling for fun, I also racked up a ton of miles. I also have a working history and currently relationships with Marriott hotels. I know the inner workings of hotels and how to get clutch accommodations, in a positive way. Meaning, if I can get a voucher from a current employee, I get an incredible room rate and chances are the person checking me in will give me a great room and concierge lounge access. They give me the benefits of an “Elite” member and I also accrue reward points simultaneously. If you are not familiar with concierge lounges, they are the equivalent to airport clubs; free drinks, free food such as breakfast, hors d'oeuvres, dessert, and access to business centers. Elite members also get the rooms with the best views: overlooking city, rivers, main attractions and away from elevators and general noise. I will also disclose that they have the complete control to put me in a shitty noisy room if they are busy with full paying guests.

With airline “silver premier” accommodations, this includes not much other than boarding in group 2 and not having to pay extra for legroom. I get to bypass TSA lines, and get my luggage tagged priority meaning it comes out first, included annually are 2 passes to the club lounge which is fine but whatever, it’s free. I also I get upgraded to first class if available, which happens often because I typically fly to where no one goes, so it’s never a full flight.

I know what it’s like to travel comfortably and also cheaply, however, I don’t know what it’s like to have cheap lodging but that is besides the point. I am here to talk about travel and diversity.

The elite and premier access that I have has made me realize, there aren’t more people of color traveling and traveling often. I am stuck currently in a DC concierge lounge filled with white men talking about shallow subjects that always come down to who’s dick is bigger. There is not one person of color let alone a single woman. I am consistently the only woman of color sitting in first class. While in first class, the attendant often overlooks me, for example, some flights during peak meal times will include a breakfast or dinner. No matter my seat, I’ve always noticed they come to me last, even if there is a white woman in first, they will always accommodate them first. I see white men excessively drinking cocktails and I get rude looks when I ask for a single glass of wine, like it’s an inconvenience to them. I often get side stepped or people trying to cut in front of me to board thinking I am not a premier member that belongs in the line. I often get a surprised look when my group is called.

All this classist shit drive me up the fucking wall. Why do you need to provide parameters around travel to see who deserves legroom or not. Who can board a fucking plane first, or who gets better service and allows other passengers to treat “lower class” differently? Classism and travel is a huge problem that I am not sure I want to get myself into. I hate having to rub shoulders with the short white men in shitty uncomfortable suits that think they deserve everyone else to stand out of their way. They are so impatient, so rude, and clueless to the world. They suck and suck a big dick, most likely the man next to them’s dick.

While companies think they are building customer loyalty, they are just building more boundaries for equality.

All the white people always think you’re in their way. Well fuck you and so you know, all hotel staff laugh at you and your perceived privilege after you leave the front desk. We cheers with PBRs proudly that you think we care about your 800 thread count sheets, extra towels, and asshole lickings. End of rant, maybe...

Graceful Degradation

I’ve been an atheist for 6 years now. In 2011 I experienced a documentary and introduced to graceful degradation when shots were fired at my 7 strong beliefs I held in knowing that god was real. Below is the simplified list of 7 concepts of god, when one is argued against, you have many other points to stand firmly on. It took one person, many books, deeper dives in the bible, and critical thinking to shoot down all 7 and left me feeling like the rug was pulled underneath my feet.

1. Bible: the divine word of god inspired by god. This is inherit wisdom directly handed to us by god, how could you turn your back against god’s word? 
2. Logical arguments: presented by a reputable authority. They made me question but I always relied on my faith. They made me question for like 2 seconds then I prayed and asked for forgiveness for even doubting that long. 
3. Morality: god is the source of morality, without him, there are no morals. God is good and all actions and all things are for his purpose. 
4. Creation: the beauty and complexity of our universe and all life is a testament of god. 
5. Other Christians; helped booster my belief by example and by numbers. How could 2.5 billion people be wrong? Also in my own experience, how could anyone believe what I believe with passion and devotion be a non-Christian? Seems impossible.
6. Prayer: provided a basis of belief through the perception of answered prayer. 
7. My personal relationship with god: my personal experiences with god, how could you not believe after feeling you have communicated with god himself?! I walked and talked with him. There is no way this wasn’t real.

After I completed the documentary, Why I Am No Longer a Christian, I was left struggling to get back up, it hurt and I was scared. The curtain was pulled and it was like I saw my father taking off the beard that exposed Santa wasn’t real. Now that I know, it’s hard to go back believing in Santa. I was such a fool, I was tricked and I felt abandoned with nowhere to turn and no one to talk to. My network was all believers in god and they would not understand what I just discovered. I went through stages of emotions and behaviors that I am not all proud of but felt necessary stages for me to go through during my de-conversion. 

At first I was scared, I was lonely. I really had no one to talk to and the concept to my best friend and she denied it, she said, “no it’s just a stage and how could you not believe, we know we experience god by walking and talking with him.” I knew I couldn’t attempt to try and explain what I just went through. I also tried to talk to my non--Christian friends that also didn’t know what to say or do to me other than, “finally!” They had no idea how broken I was inside and how scared I was that I could potentially be doomed to hell, burning, crying and damned. I turned to online communities and found even clergy members struggling through this stage as well. After about 6 months, I felt supported and finally could stand then realized that I was going to be ok. I was not struck by lightning and I could live a happy and moral life without god but I couldn’t tell any of my friends or family, so I kept it hidden.

I saw everything with new eyes. I walked around realizing that not everything was created for me by god by just plain beautiful. I wanted to learn more about biology, physics, and everything science. There actually was an answer to things other than just “because, god.” I had deeper desires to understand our world as it is and being ok with science not knowing because it was the logical way to think. I began thinking for myself. This seems like a pretty weird thing to write but I was so lazy in my thinking. I just always relied that god had all the answers and I didn’t need to know anything, I didn’t need to think critically. I just sat back and thought god would just pave the path for me. I wasn’t interested in making a life for myself but living to die to just get to heaven. I started seeing humanity as beautiful and wanted to do something about issues instead of just praying about it, I could do something about it. I felt empowered to take action. I started volunteering more, I learned how not to judge so quickly. I realized thoughts and prayers don’t feed the homeless or help restore a city after a flood.

Speaking of judgment, I judged a lot of people. I was quick to label and think they needed god and I needed to pray for them. For example “Poor homeless guy...I shouldn’t approach him but at least I can pray for him, he needs it, he needs god,” would go through my head. Who the hell was I to judge that he was even homeless and needed my pity to begin with? Again, I felt empowered to have basic human traits like actually go talk to them just to simply say hi or to flat out ask if they needed any help.

After trying this “humanistic approach” I began to see cause and effects of history. The finger pointing began at this stage when I realized how rare and cool it was that I am full Native American and had no concept of my culture. It was growing up in a Christian home that blocked me from learning anything about my roots. I started to get angry when I realized that my mother was put in a boarding school as a child and forced to speak English. She was punished when she did not and was forced to be a Christian. When she married my father, she carried her beliefs and passed them onto our family. I started off getting angry at my parents, but I soon realized they were just doing their best. I started to look at Christianity as a whole and how it has disrupted culture. I reacted mostly in anger.

When I realized I was angry, I ultimately felt like I just got out of an abusive relationship. My focus was on trying to please an angry man and if I strayed or didn’t anything bad, he would punish me, BUT he loved me. I remember lying in bed each night as a kid praying the salvation prayer over and over just to insure me. I cried when I had an impure thought and had many nights crying myself to sleep because I lived in fear and guilt 100% of the time. I was mad that this was all for nothing. In my head, I thought that the song, “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” was literally about god and his son Jesus coming back [to town].

My anger stage is something you’re probably familiar with, as I lashed out on social media, pissed. I started this blog and felt it was necessary for me to “come out.” The majority of reasons why were because online communities helped me so I thought I could in turn help others. My target audience was my young cousins growing up in churches. I wanted them to know they do not need to live in fear and guilt like I did. I want them to know they do not need to cry themselves to sleep each night saying the lord’s prayer or the salvation prayer on repeat. I now want my niece and nephew to realize even though they are being indoctrinated, they can live a healthy moral life without believing in god.

I’ve learned to let go of the anger and be thankful for my experience in religion. I do feel like the anger is triggered when something like culture is being robbed, child indoctrination continues, or when I see “sending thoughts and prayers” in response to something catastrophic or when physical action can be done. I love reminiscing of the days in youth group, summer bible camp, trips to Christian conferences, listening to powerful speakers, singing praise and worship, the auditorium lights, drums, acting in plays, playing hide and seek in the baptism tub, skipping Sunday school to hide out in the fire escape stairwell, bible study at numerous houses, couches to cry on, hands to hold, community to rely on, you name it! Going from this to a complete Atheist that has also gone through many emotional states of realizing this, is a meaningful journey that I am stoked to share.