I saw two of those “someecard” meme’s that stated, “I’m 30
but I still feel like I’m 20…until I hang out with 20 year olds…then I’m like,
nope never mind, I’m 30.” The other, “I was terrified of turning 30 until I
turned 30. Now I’m terrified of 20-year-olds.”
I may not be quite 30 but while in Portland most of my
friends were and not to mention I managed/supervised people much older than me
ranging anywhere up to 60. I was normally the youngest anywhere, probably also
the only brown one too. I never realized or thought it was a big deal until I
came back to school to obtain a degree in Outdoor Adventure Leadership.
The course has a good curriculum breaking down what I have
already been doing the last 7 or so years: backpacking, rock climbing,
kayaking, and recently rafting/hydrology, it’s nice to actually have an
expensive piece of paper informing others of this certification.
When I started hiking in 2007-ish I began to realize the
awesomeness of nature and it helped me gain more independence as a woman. I
learned valuable lessons getting lost in Alaska to basically take care of your
shit: be in good stance with friends and family, live with no regrets, plan
ahead and be prepared, be positive, take care of yourself both physically and
mentally. Getting into different outdoor hobbies like bouldering, rock
climbing, kayaking, and backpacking has taught me many things I could never learn in a
classroom. However IN the classroom are things I didn’t pay attention to while
out in the wilderness. More in depth conversations on wilderness ethics, business
strategies, expedition planning, risk management, tolerance for adversity,
people, oh the people… How can I be a leader if I can’t stand the people over 3
days sharing tents, food, planning, and having separate trip expectations then
see them all over again under the fluorescent lights Monday morning?
Dealing with people has not been difficult in my past; I
love people, even the crazy ones. I love psychology, and observing behaviors
and the whole self-awareness thing goes a long way. I value genuine people and
stimulating conversations over a decent glass of wine or a hoppy beer. One of my “hobbies”
in Portland was online dating - it didn’t seem taboo or odd to me. Meeting 30
something year old men was fun, I approached it openly and walked away with a
tab-less conversation that would blow my mind. I was addicted to getting into
the thoughts of others, how they lived their lives, and some of the time I
would walk away and know, “it’s not me, it’s you. I’m actually doing ok with
this life thing!” For the most part I was able to meet intelligent men that had
thought provoking things to say. I would go to work and be surrounded by a
decent amount of professionalism. My friends were into the same things I was
where we could sit around with no TV, on my deck, enjoying the rain, laughing all night, or
checking out some local weird Portland beer/wine event.
Knowing I was leaving my friends and a career behind in Oregon (April 2013), what I didn’t know was the amount of maturity I was essentially
giving up.
I had my first experiences last summer that thankfully turned out
great. I ended up learning a lot from my young peers and since moved onto new
things and keep in touch. The new things right now are turning 29 and spending
lots of awkward time with 18 – 23 year olds.
23 was a great year for me, it was in the middle of
transitioning to "living it up." Waking up with no hangover and being able to
stay up till 5am and get to work with no problem by 8am. I was getting lost in
Alaska and putting things in my back pocket I didn’t know I would need till 29.
I felt like I knew a lot more than I know now. My argument though, to make me feel better, I was told a lot that I was an “old soul,” my evidence is having the jobs I did at 24 – 28. I look back at conversations
I’ve had with my father thinking I knew so much more - boy, was I ever wrong.
At 29 I catch myself remembering all the narrow things I believed and now
exposed to more questions, not even having a firm grasp because life is awesome
and ever changing.
Giving up a decent wage, way of living, and my beautiful
downtown apartment really becomes a bigger heartbreak when I find myself
struggling with how to react around these early 20 year olds. I was the little
honey badger at their age and now who the fuck am I to them? I struggle not having
a title, not having a leadership role and yet having to take care of the
details of trip planning, providing the sun block, water, pretty much the BASIC
necessities I had to learn on my own while all along, not to mention, we are in a Leadership course. My instructor pulled me aside last week and asked me how I really was doing, I had to unleash and all they could say was, "you're so humble."
Perhaps I’ll find my calling in this situation, I tried to
find the leader revelation at the beginning of the semester when we were in the 'get to know you circle' but when you’re 23, you already know it all and don’t
give a fuck. Sometimes I feel I should take a lesson from young me but after
years of working and learning, I am not quite on the same level. The experience
of having a heavy boss lady breathing over my shoulder telling me how to do my
job is something I can’t run back to, so while The Kids Aren’t Alright, I’ll take ‘em
as the frustrated awkwardness of life will always continue. In a way they are actually sort of like family, the little siblings I've never had.
